Surrounded but Alone

Submitted by Treephrog

"... and if things keep going this way, I just might break something tonight."
 - Limp Bizkit

I live in the middle of nowhere, and it's no ones' fault but my own.

I live just outside of a town with a grand total population of approx. 2000
people. If you've ever seen postcards from the east coast with pictures of
fishing boats and forests, that's where I live.

It's nice. It's quiet. And there is exactly one other human being here that
I can relate to on any kind of technical level.

My conversations with this other individual are infrequent, because their job
demands that they are away for extend periods of time. When we do converse,
it is usually for hours at a time, and I walk away mentally, physically and
emotionally drained. These conversations seem deeply surreal both during and
after. Discussion topics range accross the full spectrum, but mainly focus on
technology.

To put in perspective for you, most of my other "arms-length" aqauintences in
this, my own little personal little hell, consider excellent Friday night
entertainment to be heading down to the local bar, getting blind drunk,
getting in a fist-fight, and then finding someone or something to beat to
death on the stagger home. My conversations with these people usually consist
of, "Hey, can you get me into one of those porn sites for free?", or "Can you
erase that speeding ticket off my file?"

The mind is a terrible thing to taste.

My days consist of copious amounts of coffee and long drives (if the weather
is fine), or copious amounts of coffee and reading (if the weather is bad). My
nights consist of more reading, chatting online, or the occasional computer
game. Sleep rarely comes easy, and it never lasts long. My mind is in constant
turmoil. I lack the funds to move away, and as well I have other obligations
(family related, no I'm not married or divorced, and have no children) that
tie me here.

There are sickenly few people here in my age group, less than half a dozen.
The people younger than me are beyond idiocy, drunk and/or stoned in the
classroom being the norm. The people older than me more tolerable, although
spousal abuse runs amuck here, 55% or something. There are a few potentials
among the younger crowd, but when last I was approached for knowledge, it
lasted less than a week. His friends beat the shit out of him when they found
out he was hanging around with me, learning about computers. On two other
occasions I was befriended by older people who dabbled in the computer field,
but both of those were put to a quick end when their significant others got
together and made issues of spending too much time with me and not enough with
them.

The only way to have a girlfriend here is to make $40,000 plus a year, which
is easy if you don't mind fishing, and can get a seat on a boat. Women here
have one priorety in choosing a boyfriend/husband, and that is income. If you
can't afford to give them the lifestyle they want to live, don't bother
approaching them.

There is not much for me to do. Read. Think. Learn. Repeat.

As my knowledge grows, so does my loneliness.

Sometimes, not very often and very briefly, I think it would be better to be
one of them. To be perfectly happy having the IQ of a trained chimp. To beat
my wife, after all, it's what my daddy did to all four of his wives, God rest
'em. To think that anyone who doesn't enjoy getting in a fist fight every
Friday and Saturday night every weekend of every year must be queer or
something, after all, only queers don't like to fight. To think that it's okay
to fish four months out of the year, draw unemployment the rest of the year,
and then plead poverty at every opportunity.

Then I take a deep breath, shake my head, and read some more.

The purpose of this expose' into my life is twofold.

First, if anyone reads this and sees similarities in their life, I have a
message. Don't give up. When you stop reading, you become one of them. When
you stop thinking, you become one of them. When you stop learning, you become
one of them. You cannot let this happen, because you're not meant to be one of
them. If you were, you would have become one of them by now.

Second, if anyone reads this and sees few or no similarities in their life,
good for you. For all the hardships you endure, you are still luckier than you
can imagine. There are those of us for whom a friendly voice is more than a
phone call or short walk away. Do not take it for granted.

Lastly, as a sidenote, I didn't write this phile for sympathy. I wrote it so
that the next time you sit down at a 2600 meeting or a computer club meeting
or with a bunch of your close, like-minded friends, maybe you'll pause for a
moment to consider what life would be like if they suddenly weren't there
anymore. Or worse, had never been there at all.

The community is bigger than you think. For those of us on the geograpical
frontiers, things come a little harder.

But the alternative is unthinkable. Pun intended.

Treephrog
05/08/03

Note: This article (or rant, if you prefer) was loosely inspired by Wizbone's
article, "Idiots & Customer Service". It was also inspired to a lesser (but
not much) degree by the HackCanada Crew and all associated parties, many of
whom, although they probably don't realize it, have helped me keep my sanity.
By keeping my sanity, I mean that literally, NOT as a figure of speech. Thank
you, even though that doesn't even begin to cover it.