Phrozen BloodFlame's Guide to Eating Free


Ok, so those of you who read last month's issue of K-1ine may have noticed
something I didn't. On the coupons that come from the change counting machines,
it says something like "One AirMile per every 20 dollars" or some other bullshit
like that.

I fucked up. My bad. At best, this trick might work to get you AirMiles at a
slightly faster rate than you normally would, at worst, it's a piece of shit.
Once again, I fucked up. Sorry.

This file is for informational purposes only, so if you decide to eat free by the
means suggested in this file, and you get e. coli or some shit, or you get busted,
or like, beaten to a bloody pulp by some burger flipping kid, it's your own damn
fault.

This one works tho... I ate for a couple of months like this. *reads disclaimer*

Um... for research. Yeah.

There are 2 ways to eat free, and both have their advantages and disadvantages.

The first way is to go to the food bank. When I went, they didn't check up on me
or anything they just took my word that I wasn't making enough money for food
(which I wasn't at the time). After that I got food from them once every couple
of months. Unfortunately, it wasn't nearly enough to last me a couple of months.
The cool thing about the food bank, tho, is that if they give you something you
don't like, they pretty much encourage you to bitch about it. Beggars can't be
choosers? Fuck that. They give you bagels, and you prefer croissants? Tell them
to give you the fucking croissants! It was great, cause you'd get enough food to
last a few weeks (between 3 and 5), and it is all stuff you like. The disadvantage
is that if you are merely hungry at 3 am, and don't have any coin, the food bank
isn't open. What is an anarch to do? He is to go to McDonald's.

If you go to McDonald's and order a number one, and they fuck it up somehow, i.e.,
it's cold, there's special sauce dripping out the side all over the place, it's not
a number one at all... what do you do? Go back and bitch about it. Bitch till they
rectify their mistake. With another number one combo. Yay! Here's the catch tho: in
times past, one merely needed to say they ordered a number one at about noon yesterday.
(How many Big Mac Combo meals do you think they sell at noon? I dunno, either, but it's
a fuckin' lot!) Now, however, you need to give a call the same day, complaining about
your order, or provide them with a receipt.

Aww, don't have a receipt? No problem, look in the parking lot. If that little pimple
farm behind the counter doesn't come out and clean the lot every few minutes there's
litter all over the place. Since they either staple the receipt to the bag, or just
shove it inside the bag, where the bag goes, the receipt goes. Look for one that's
stapled. I don't recommend reaching into the bag... that can get gross.

Another good way to get receipts is to steal them off the counter. Burger King and
Taco Bell in particular like to put receipts on the counter. I have no idea why.
All that matters is that they do. Grab two or three as you walk by. Just don't let
anyone catch you, cause sometimes large football player types get pissed off when
you steal their receipts. Personally, I'm a smoker, so I can't run very far. Just
watch yourself.

Don't feel like standing in the parking lot waiting for a receipt? Go to a payphone,
whip out your red box, and call McDonald's. Tell them that you just got home from work,
and that you stopped at McDonald's for lunch earlier, or on your way home, or whatever...
Don't tell them your order was five number 7s and a diet coke. Keep it simple. Make it
something you know they sold at the hour you are complaining about. Just happened to
hear someone order a specific order that would feed you and your friends at the drive
through? Sweet... wait fifteen minutes, and tell them they fucked up the order completely.
Come back a couple of hours later, or whatever, and get your free food. You'll be on the
"Manager's List", or "Customer's Log". Can't hear the drive through? Can't see what's on
that fucking red screen? Ok, maybe you're sitting inside, and you happen to notice someone
sitting down with his girlfriend or some shit, and they happen to be eating a number-who
fucking cares. Looks good, doesn't it? Wait till they leave. Call in. Tell them they fucked
your order. Thing is, sometimes they look it up on the 'puter they have there, and if they
didn't sell it, you don't get your food. I don't know what they can do beyond telling you
to get out, but that's cause I've never been there, cause I'm so damn good.

If you act like a first timer, tho, like you didn't know you had to call in or keep your
receipt, more often than not the chick behind the counter will tell you she can do this
for you "Just this once..." but a lot of the times they are real fuckers over the "proof"
that you bought the meal to begin with. One time, I ate one meal a day for a week at the
same location without calls or receipts. Always a different manager. Choice.

In my experience, Burger King employs only the dumbest mothercanuckers on the planet, and
they are real sticklers for having a receipt. I tried a call in there the other day, and I
was told that "I'm the night manager, so I don't know what happened today." I told her she
was a moron and that what had happened today was a bunch of people came in, ordered food,
and left. At least one left with cold food. Didn't help. Stupid fucking broad. Another time,
the bitch sat there trying to figure out how to use the computer to check the order I suppo-
sedly made. Kept asking me what time. I said I don't know the exact fucking time... it was
between 12:10 and 12:30! After getting somewhat agitated, she finally gave me my food and
let me leave. So yeah, if you do Burger King, be ready for the fucking third degree, and
if you're starving, and you can't survive without a burger in the next five minutes, hold
out for a McDonald's, cause getting Burger King to give you a fucking sandwich is like
pulling teeth for them. "Can't let the poor people take our sandwiches! We might lose
upwards of a hundred dollars a month!" Phht... this coming from a huge multinational
conglomerate who makes billions a year. Fuck'em. They write that shit off anyways.

Some of the things that help, when you are complaining:

Make it seem like you were really put out (like, "I only get one break, and I couldn't very
well come back to complain about it..." I dunno, some shit, make it seem really inconvenient
for you.

Complaining that you didn't get fries will more often than not get you an order of fries,
NOT an entire meal.

Complaining that you ordered a number one, and that you got a number seven works really well,
since "fish makes me gag."

Being upset, but not angry at the girl, cause she's just trying to do her job, and she only
gets 7 an hour. She doesn't get paid enough to put up with your shit, and if you take out
your anger on her, she will probably just tell you to get out. Unless she's really intimidated
by you. Best to be upset but polite at the same time.

One of my favourites is saying "I ordered a number one, and got a Big Extra. Yeah, I don't
know if you've ever had a Big Extra hot, but they are disgusting. Yeah, mine was cold."
And since everyone knows that Big Extras are the most disgusting burger on the planet,
chix0r might even feel sorry for you for choking down this piece of shit, then take you
out back and give you some skully.

Probably not, but she's fat anyways, so fuckit.

Don't forget to mix it up a little. Go to McDonald's today, Burger King tomorrow, then maybe
Arby's (Don't knock it, that roast beef sandwich rawks!), then hit Taco Bell, and Wendy's.
I don't recommend hitting Harvey's or any of those mom and pop burger joints, cause they
mostly make your burger custom, and if it gets all fucked up cause you don't like onions,
well, you shouldn't have told her to put onions on it.

Don't show up to the same restaurant on the same day of the week at the same time every week.
Remember, this is a workplace. The manager you encountered on Monday at 5 pm will more than
likely be there next Monday at 5 pm. She WILL catch on if you are there every Monday at 5.
Mix it up.

And there you have it... my poor attempt at rectifying last month's embarrassment of a file...
GO! Eat! Drink! Be Merry! Start a fire! Steal a car! Run over an old lady! Quit buggin' me
about my last file!

Phrozen BloodFlame

Special pr0ps go out to Jelly and GothyDude DayLight Assassin for helping me to fine tune and
hone my skillz, and for coming up with a few inventive ways of getting accurate orders and such.

04/13/03