,,ggddY"""Ybbgg,, subversive literature ,agd888b,_ "Y8, ___`""Ybga, for subverted people! ,gdP""88888888baa,.""8b "888g, / ,dP" ]888888888P' "Y `888Yb, ,dP" ,88888888P" db, "8P"""" Installment 229 of... ,8" ,888888888b, d8" db. dP b. ,8' d88888888888,88 d$$$s. dP `8, - -- -THE NEO-COMINTERN ,8' 8888888888888" dP$$$$$s. dP 8. d' I8888888888P" dP `T$$$$$$dP `.d$$b. .d$$b. .d$$b..s$s 8 `8"88P""Y8P' dP `T$$$$P d$$$P dP' `$ dP' T$ dP' `TP' `T$ 8 Y 8[ _ " dP `T$P d$$$P dP dP dP dP dP dP 8 "Y8d8b dP dP :$ .$ $b. .dP dP dP dP 8 `"".dP dP `T$$P' `T$$P' dP dP dP Y, ,,odnd88b, ,b `8, ,d8888888baaa ,8' ELECTRONIC MAGAZINE- -- - `8, 888888888888' ,8' `8a "8888888888I a8' Writers: `Yba `Y8888888P' adP' Melatonin "Yba `888888P' adY" Gnarly Wayne `"Yba, d8888P" ,adP"' BMC `"Y8baa, ,d888P,ad8P"' - - - - -``""YYba8888P""''===================------- -- - - - - MARCH 9, 2003 INSTALLMENT 229 BMC, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT: SAPPHIRE TUXEDO - Gnarly Wayne Clicker 65 - Melatonin The Adventures of Super Brecken and Joel Tha Magnificent - BMC - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - EDITOR'S NOTE - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - this issue tears up the track like an all-gold mercades. as our solid gold tires crack and crumble off, you'll want to follow close behind, picking up every priceless nugget. we may be putting ourselves in danger as we do with every issue, yes, but every car we sideswipe and every median we bank against will leave a trail of quality, and quality is what you're looking for. and as we run headfirst into an oncoming firetruck, or are sandwiched between two flaming semis full of kerosene, or take a sharp right while we're halfway across the brooklyn bridge, you can honour us for being so brave as to drive in a car with solid gold windows. or, you can just point and laugh at our dead bodies, ground to a golden paste. just to let us know you care. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - SAPPHIRE TUXEDO - Gnarly Wayne - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - For the third day in a row I was sent home from work early. The reason why apparently isn't all that important. I grumbled as I fumbled with my keys and bumbled into my house. I immediately froze upon entering the foyer. Something was wrong. Something was........ amiss. My eyes scanned slowly from one side of the room to the other. I imagined that if I was in a movie, there would be some high-pitched string instruments playing some chilling music right now. I found what was different from this morning when I had left the house. Now there was a 7 foot tall crate in the middle of my living room. This must be my special order that I special ordered. As I hacked the wooden beast open with my crowbar, my brow became damp. Not because of the physical excertion of opening the crate, but because of the sheer anxiety. As the walls fell away from its precious cargo, I had to hold up my hands to cover myself from the intense blue beauty that stood before me. My sapphire tuxedo had finally arrived. If you could only had seen me... just seen me in that tuxedo... a tuxedo made entirely of sapphire... if you can just even capture that feeling for a brief second... then you will know exactly how I now feel every single second of every single day. Needless to say, my boss was NOT pleased to see me flaunt awkwardly round the office in my tux. I went around to the cubicles of my former co-workers and made small talk with them. "Gee... this office looks like its missing something. Oh wait, I know what it is. This room doesn't have a SOLID SAPPHIRE TUXEDO. Ha Ha hA!" "So... how's it going? Oh, is this a new picture of your kid? He's pretty cute. Hey, I'll bet I know what that kid doesn't have... a SOLID SAPPHIRE TUXEDO! Bend to my will!" "Why are you crying? Is it because you don't have a SOLID SAPPHIRE TUXEDO?" After they called the police, I made my attempt to leave but it took too long because it is really hard to walk correctly when you're wearing a SOLID SAPPHIRE TUXEDO. The police were all hiding behind their cars with their assortment of weaponry pointed at me. Flood lights reflected off my sapphire tuxedo in a dazzling arrangement of blues and light blues. They immediately opened fire upon my chest, but I just laughed. That gave them a clue not to step in my path. I laughed heartily... my heartiest laugh ever. "Fools!" I bellowed. "You cannot harm a man dress in a sapphire tuxedo!" Apparently the sniper who blew my head off disagreed with me. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Clicker 65 - Melatonin - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Wait a second, where's the clicker? The clicker -- where is it? No, seriously, where's the clicker? Martha, did you see the clicker? I can't find the clicker. Martha, get in here! I can't find the clicker! Someone stole the clicker! Oh my God I can't believe it someone broke in here and stole the clicker right off the coffee table! What kind of a lunatic breaks into a house just to steal a clicker?!? Martha, call the police! Call 9-1-1! Don't give me any lip, woman, just call them! I want my clicker back! CLIIIIIIIIIIIIICKER!!! COME BACK TO ME, O DEAR CLIIIIIIIIIIICKER!!! Sniff. This is terrible. How can I watch my stories if I don't have my clicker? I'm missing Everyone Loves Raymond as we speak. RAAAAAAAAYMOND!!! I LOOOOOVE YOU!!! O poor sweet missing clicker, what have I done to deserve this? I could kill the man who stole my clicker. If I saw him right now, I would kill him. Let me go, Martha! I mean it, I'm going to go kill that clicker thief right now! That bastard just made my list of things to kill today. OK, OK, you're right. First thing's first. Mustn't get ahead of myself. Supper, then murder. Can you pass the pork? These potatoes are lumpy. This gravy is too thin. What is this? It looks like snot. Dang blast it, woman! Are you feeding me snot now!?! First my home is sullied by a clicker thief, and now you're making me eat snot! I can't handle this! I want a divorce. I want my clicker back. My teeth are sore. You know, this snot ain't half bad. Yum. OK, time for my mid-evening nap. 'Night Martha. Hugs and kisses. I love you, Martha. Wake me when the police get here. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - The Adventures of Super Brecken and Joel Tha Magnificent - BMC - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - It was -30 outside and the wind was gusting to 65 kmph. Super Brecken was like, "Let's walk across the world's longest walking bridge. It's only 581 metres." Joel tha Magnificent struck a hip-hop pose and said, "Well, when you add on the mere 100m that the bridge is from our door, that's a simple 1362m round trip." And Super Brecken pulled out the dubbin, saying, "Shine up them boots, muthafucka. There's plenty o' snow where we be goin." And Joel tha Magnificent was like "Word." So they shined and shined and shined, and before you know it the boots were so shiny that they were walking out the door. "People around here don't bother to shovel the snow off the sidewalk," said Super Brecken as she motioned for Joel tha Magnificent to follow her up a snow-covered hill with a thin layer of ice on it (the result of February rains). "Joel, do you know why people here don't shovel their sidewalks?" Joel tha Magnificent thought about this for a couple of seconds. "Because it snows all the time?" he asked. "That is correct, Joel. You are very wise." As Super Brecken said this, her foot went through the ice and fell in past the knee. It was just soft snow below the ice, though. Don't worry, it was not water. Super Brecken later discovered she had received a bruise to the leg, but it was very cold outside and so her skin was too numb to feel it. Once they got to the bridge they noticed that it did not seem to be as very windy as the weather site told them. They did not realize that the wind was at their backs and would not begin to harm them until they started heading back. But that is perhaps too much foreshadowing for the moment. One quarter of the way across the bridge, Super Brecken and Joel tha Magnificent discovered a huge windproof plastic sheet stuck up against the railing of the bridge. They took it and held it out like a ship's sail. The wind almost carried them off the bridge, but were sure to let go of the sheet before it was too late. Later, Super Brecken and Joel tha Magnificent kicked an huge frozen-solid snowball that was over three feet high. They did this to hone their ninja skills, which were already highly developed. On the way back it was really windy and the wind whipped their faces until it hurt (oh yeah, I already mentioned that part). For supper they made curry with chick peas, urid dal, baby corn, and tofu. But before they did this, they touched their faces, smoothed out by the icy wind. They had received a skin peel courtesy of nature. They hadn't seen anything like it since Saskatchewan's dust storm of '02. And the super heroes lived happily ever after. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions. Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better. For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at . Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to , or through ICQ to #29981964. Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern Magazine. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - ___________________________________________________ | THE COMINTERN IS AVAILABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBSES | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://www.neo-comintern.com | | Questions? Comments? Submissions? | | Email BMC at bmc@neo-comintern.com | |___________________________________________________| - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - copyright 2003 by #229-03/09/03 the neo-comintern All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. 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