,,ggddY"""Ybbgg,, subversive literature ,agd888b,_ "Y8, ___`""Ybga, for subverted people! ,gdP""88888888baa,.""8b "888g, / ,dP" ]888888888P' "Y `888Yb, ,dP" ,88888888P" db, "8P"""" Installment 235 of... ,8" ,888888888b, d8" db. dP b. ,8' d88888888888,88 d$$$s. dP `8, - -- -THE NEO-COMINTERN ,8' 8888888888888" dP$$$$$s. dP 8. d' I8888888888P" dP `T$$$$$$dP `.d$$b. .d$$b. .d$$b..s$s 8 `8"88P""Y8P' dP `T$$$$P d$$$P dP' `$ dP' T$ dP' `TP' `T$ 8 Y 8[ _ " dP `T$P d$$$P dP dP dP dP dP dP 8 "Y8d8b dP dP :$ .$ $b. .dP dP dP dP 8 `"".dP dP `T$$P' `T$$P' dP dP dP Y, ,,odnd88b, ,b `8, ,d8888888baaa ,8' ELECTRONIC MAGAZINE- -- - `8, 888888888888' ,8' `8a "8888888888I a8' Writers: `Yba `Y8888888P' adP' Anomie "Yba `888888P' adY" J Marc `"Yba, d8888P" ,adP"' Reuban O'Neill `"Y8baa, ,d888P,ad8P"' trilobyte ``""YYba8888P""'' Gnarly Wayne BMC - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - APRIL 20, 2003 INSTALLMENT 235 BMC, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT: Meditations on the Chee-tos GuarantCHEESE - Anomie Page 2 - Author Unknown Regarding Your Submission - J Marc The Selected Cover Letters of Reuban O'Neill WHAT THE - trilobyte Fan Letter - Gnarly Wayne Dear Air Canada, - BMC - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - EDITOR'S NOTE - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Dear you, I have always been a big fan of leters. Reading, writing, and even just looking at them has always been a source of pleasure. I want to kiss them. I love all twenty-six of them, from the almighty A to the zany Z. If they were someone's lovers, they would be my lovers. This week it was brought to my attention that in this beautiful world there exists a kind of letters other than the Roman symbols that we have all come to respect and lust for. I mean things made of words, written on paper, put in an envelope with an address and a stamp attached. And there is also a letter called e-mail, or electronic mail, or electronic letters. Letters are full of words, and words are full of letters. Isn't that weird? I thought so too. Letters, letters, literature. Now that's what I'm sayin. Your best friend, BMC - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Meditations on the Chee-tos GuarantCHEESE - Anomie - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously! -Friedrich Nietzsche Chester Cheetah personally guarantees that this bag of Chee-tos will live up its "Dangerously Cheesy" reputation. If you don't agree, just mail the empty package to Chester Cheetah... -alleged "GuarantCHEESE" featured on Chee-tos Puffs bag Dear Chester Cheetah, At first I simply thought that my bag of Chee-tos cheese puffs had failed in its promise. I have resolved to live, as Nietzsche recommends, dangerously. For the most part, I feel that I do indeed conduct myself a manner conducive to dangerousness, and hence in the most affirmative manner possible (considering the death of God and so on). The cheesiness of the aforementioned puffs, however, did not strike me as dangerous, and therefore I felt myself entitled to the free products promised above. Then I began to pay closer attention to the words before me and I became increasingly distressed. I have quoted the statement in question above. Let us consider the first clause: "Chester Cheetah personally guarantees..." This seems simple enough: proper name (noun), adverb, verb. Right? Wrong! To whom does "Chester Cheetah" refer? An animated cartoon character: a fictional character. Which begs the question, to whom is this letter addressed? A riddle of sorts, a sort of paradox even: I am currently writing to someone and accusing him of not existing. Well. If Chester Cheetah is not a person, but a trademark (which is indicated by the * beside the name and the note at the bottom of the bag), then how can "he" perform a speech act (i.e. a guarantee), and moreover, how can a non-person do something "personally?" Next problem: ""dangerously cheesy" [trademark] reputation." What does this mean? Do words placed in quotation marks and then trademarked retain any meaning whatsoever? Is it possible to assign them a truth value? Not to mention the word "reputation:" since when do these cheese sticks have a reputation? Perhaps you refer, Mr. Cheetah, to the reputation you yourself have attempted to propagate through television commercials (I wouldn't know; I don't have a TV). As I attempt to alleviate my anxiety by addressing a non-existent person, I only feel worse. Perhaps it is my own fault for being so sensitive. Granted: I have argued myself out of the free bag of chips I once felt within my un-endangered grasp. But I suppose it is probably for the best. I would only have begun this journey into meaninglessness and consequent despondency all over again. Yours Sincerely, Anomie - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Page 2 - Author Unknown - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - (note: this is a transcription of a piece of paper that was found by the doorstep of Heckat and BMC in a puddle of mud) -2- I want to hear some snoop, 2-Pac, Dr. Dre; you know, all the good shit! I'm some glad I bought those c.d's when buddy had them. Too bad i'm not allowed to have my playstation no more? They make your time fly by. Especially when you've got good games. I'm gonna go for now. I want to go get my supper. I'll write more later.... B.S. Hey there. I'm back again. Just sittin in my cell chillin. Just finished watching "Trailer Park Boys". Now I'm watching "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation". an old '89 movie. But it's good though. Bon Jovi is on t.V too in concert, but he's playing dumb songs. Nothing any good! I talked to you tonight. Not for too long, but a good phone anyway. I had Kraft Dinner tonight too lovin it! Taco's tomorrow for dinner. You know i'm goin. I never ate any meals today. I don't know what was for dinner but spagetti for supper and believe me it's gross! All watery and just plain sick! I'm gettin my cell looking better. Couple people are hooking me up with some things when they get out. And by the time I get all my things to it should be all good? --> - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Regarding Your Submission - J Marc - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Dear Brown's Publishing Company, Recently I read your newspaper advertisement requesting submissions for a new series of young adult fiction that would be, in your own words, 'fresh and original, but keeping in mind our company's educational philosophy'. Allow me to submit my idea, the 'ATION of a Nation' series of young adult fiction. I envisage twelve books a year based on words with the '-ation' suffix. The brand would be identified by a sexy logo based on the phoenetic symbols for '-ation': /&ņen/. The goal is increased vocabulary and geographical knowledge, collectability, readability and most importantly, fun! There are hundreds of words with the '-ation' suffix, so if successful, this brand could potentially last for decades! Below, please find some of my story synopses or 'blurbs'... The Disqualification of a Nation The Australian Davis Cup team is riding high on success, but they are suddenly and scandalously disqualified when a drunken Pat Rafter ascends the umpire's chair and bellows that he is 'king and god of all he surveys', and that 'all shall bow before me, lest they be struck down by my unending fury.' The Magnification of a Nation The Russians finally launch their vaunted 'giant magnifying glass' into space, hoping to soar to the lead in the race for better solar energy. But - uh-oh! Hilarity ensues when passing aliens look through the magnifying glass to tiny San Marino, and mistakenly believe it to be a land of giants! The Exaggeration of a Nation Red faces abound when Mozambique is ejected from the G7, after a plucky young girl detective discovers that they lied about their gross domestic product! The Decoration of a Nation Uh-oh! The Micronesian economy hits the wall when a fad for expensive imported lace takes the tiny Pacific nation by storm! The Feminisation of a Nation Gasps all around as the men of Japan all grow big breasts. But the only question is - why? A plucky young girl detective and her magical dog pack their bags and head to the land of the rising sun to find out! The Masturbation of a Nation The geographical land mass of the USA becomes a sentient life form, and soon dicovers the joys of auto-erotic stimulation. Americans are initially all in favour of their homeland expressing its sexuality openly and freely, but are not so sure when Uncle Sam's literally earth-shattering orgasms mean earthquakes, tornados and volcanic eruptions on a scale never before seen! The Annihilation of a Nation Oops! While bombing Iraq, a stray MX missile accidentally lands on the Vatican City, completely wiping out everything and everyone within! The Refrigeration of a Nation The coldest winter ever shocks Egypt! Join the hilarity as the hapless Egyptians struggle with snowmen, anti freeze and ice skates! The Assassination of a Nation Heads roll, literally and metaphorically, when the CIA accidentally assassinates everyone in Cuba! The Motivation of a Nation What drives tiny Liechtenstein to produce such high quality dentures? Find out in this 'edutaining' tale! The Domination of a Nation Estonia gets into masochism in a big way! But if everyone is taking the punishment, who's going to dish it out? Things get hot when neighbouring Latvia and Lithuania organise a sadistic competition to decide who will be the 'lucky country'! The Immunisation of a Nation A devious American pharmaceutical company makes millions when it convinces the Ugandan government to immunise all of its boys and men against 'girl germs'. The McDonaldization of a Nation Believing him to be a legendary god returning from a long voyage, North Korea welcomes the world's favourite magical clown, Ronald McDonald. But what happens when, at a state banquet in his honour, McDonald uses his magical powers to imprison 'Dear Leader' Kim Jong-il, and execute all of his followers? The Donation of a Nation What kind of whacky hijinks will ensue when the USA decides to 'donate' Mexico to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II and her restored 'Greater British Empire', upon which 'the sun shall set at its peril'... without the knowledge of Mexico? The Termination of a Nation The unemployment rate in Guatemala skyrockets to 100% when everyone gets fired! It's up to a plucky young girl detective to save the day! Yours Sincerely, Bob Hyde. Dear Mr Hyde, Regarding your submission, first of all we really like the plucky young girl detective... - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - The Selected Cover Letters of Reuban O'Neill - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - My Dear BMC, Editor of The Neo-Comintern, I, Reuban O'Neill, do humbly offer you the most recent excerpt from my memoirs, entitled 'Reuban O'Neill - The Life and Vision of a Genius,' and grant you the coveted privilege of publishing it. There is no doubt in my mind that you will find this story to be imagistically evocative and intellectually astonishing, with levels of subtext that will affect you on an unconscious level, perhaps for the remainder of your life. I will allow you to begin the negotiations regarding my payment and publishing rights. I would also appreciate full disclosure of information regarding The Neo-Comintern's print run and the current quantity of subscribers; this is essential so that I can ensure your numbers are sufficient to warrant the release of 'Reuban O'Neill - The Life and Vision of a Genius' to you. Please observe that this article is being simultaneously submitted to hundreds of other journals around the world. In honour, Reuban O'Neill My dearest BMC, It has been three weeks since I first submitted my magnificently visceral excerpt, 'Reuban O'Neill - The Life and Vision of a Genius,' to your magazine. I have not yet received a response from you, so it can only be concluded that my primary submission has been vanquished by Canada Post's minions and that you have not received it at all. So, to maximize your opportunity to print the most unique story ever to be wrought to page, I am re-sending my submission. Please send me a receipt of receivership so I may ensure that you are in possession of this replica of the prototype. We can begin negotiations regarding imbursement and fanfare immediately. I eagerly anticipate your response. Yours truly, Reuban O'Neill My most honoured and dear BMC, My apologies for pointing out your mistaken misadventure, but it appears that you have unwittingly returned the haunting assault on the senses, 'Reuban O'Neill - The Life and Vision of a Genius,' to me. Along with the dauntless and imaginative work of fiction was a small slip of paper stating that you were not inclined to publish this fragment. I, like you, am an absorbed and remarkably discerning person, and I perceive that you may have erroneously neglected to publish my story due to the rapidity inspired by your industry. Fortunately, I am gifted with the insight to return this story to you for your rereading pleasure, and I believe you will be able to verify that it was by accident that this excerpt was returned to me. Since you have obviously not yet read my story, I will inform you that it is entertainingly sturdy as well as metaphorically entrancing. I anticipate your response. Adieu, Good Editor, Reuban O'Neill Dear Editor, I do not wish to consider as true that you have rejected my story, 'Reuban O'Neill - The Life and Vision of a Genius.' To do so would have been a foolish and impudent decision on your part. I find such brazen ignorance to be one of the greatest flaws of your literary journal, and I grow weary of dealing with you. I am considering depriving you of this erudite manuscript altogether and submitting it to Impulse Reality or somewhere else. Again, I must reiterate my disgust for your journal and your imbecilic editorial judgment. I have borne upon myself the responsibility to help you to improve as an editor. I have decided to resubmit this work of perfection to you, having affected it with minor revisions that have elevated it from the mortal realm into the sphere of the gods. After you have read it, there is no doubt that you will find it to be one of the foremost submissions your journal has ever seen, despite your conspicuous lunacy. Reuban O'Neill B, I have carefully inspected the changes I had previously affected to 'Reuban O'Neill - The Life and Vision of a Genius.' I realize that the revisions had clouded the excerpt's original beauty and finesse, so I have reverted the work to its original arrangement so that you can publish it. P.S. You already rejected this excerpt in its original form. With hope, Reuban O'Neill Listen! It was told to me by a spirit in the heavens that it was fated for you to print this work upon its resubmission. I can elaborate no further but to explain that the stars hold truth. In your last letter you asked why it was so important that you accept this styory for publication in hyour journal and that i do not submit it to another journal and wehy do i not submist it to another journal and why do i not ever leave you alone well the answer is simple it is because itis god and the word of the prophet and the prophesy of gofd and if not for this jopurnal there is nothgin g nothni g NOTHUING!!! i want to win a prize i want you to be the iudge i want you to tel me what i h ave won who am, i who am i who am i who am i who an i who an i who am i who am i who am i REUBAM O EIL! Editor, Are you sure? O'Neill - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - WHAT THE - trilobyte - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - BEING CHASED BY AN AUTOMOBILE IS NO LAUGHING MATTER. HAVING YOUR SHOES WORN TO THE ABOSLUTE MINIUMUM AMOUNT OF RUBBER WHILE BEING CHASED BY AN AUTOMOBILE IS ALSO NO LAUGHING MATTER. BEING STUCK IN THE COUNTRY WITH ONLY A HIGHWAY IN YOUR VIEW WHILE A 1963 CHEVY BLAZER CHASES YOU IS NO LAUGHING MATTER. YOU ALL SEEM TO THINK IT'S SO FUNNY BUT I'D LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BE IN THIS POSITION. I HAD NOTHING BUT A SPRAYCAN WITH ME. I HAD NO WEAPONS. I HAD NO AMMUNITION, I HAD NO -- I HAD NOT EVEN ANY WITS ON ME. NOTHING. I'D LIKE YOU TO TRY THIS SOMETIME AND THEN TELL ME YOU LAUGHED ABOUT IT. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Fan Letter - Gnarly Wayne - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Dear The BMC: I am like your biggest fan and stuff. I've followed your career ever since you first wrote the word apparatchik in crayon on the wall of your living room when you were two. You know, in that house on Maxwell Crescent? Anyway, I just wanted to say that your writings have changed my life. Not in any noticable or even appreciable manner, but still. I remember seeing you at the Boloball Nationals in '92 and you looked so handsome with your Spiderman T-shirt and gold cane. I thought you made eye contact with me admist the throng but I know that that was probably just wishful thinking on my part. At one point in my life I was contemplating suicide, but after reading issue #86, I knew that I had a higher purpose in life. I tried writing several articles, but was too afraid to send them to you for fear of rejection. My attempts at writing a pro-communist article were pitiful at best. One night after consuming vast quantities of alcohol, I penned my first article that I thought worthy of the Neo-Comintern. It was something about a wax cat or something, I can't remember. Anyway, you hailed it as being the next "Merry Tales of the Madmen of Gotham" and I remember giving myself a crown and sceptre at the party I threw for myself that night. I bought a plant and named it BMC Jr. but it made a mess on the floor and I throttled it. It was so much like you that it was uncanny. Anyway, I'm blathering on here like a little schoogirl WHO IS TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. Okay, bye! Incoherently yours, Anonymous Wayne. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Dear Air Canada, - BMC - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Dear Air Canada, I am writing to you to inform you of my dissatisfaction regarding my recent flight from Saskatoon to Toronto on your airline. The flight was January Seventh 2003 - flight number 1128/07. I was seated in seat 16F, right next to my girlfriend, which was where I wanted to be. The flight was smooth and I slept for most of the trip. However, when the in-flight meal was served, my flying experience was tainted. You see, I am a vegetarian type who does not eat meat. Having the foresight to contact your airline in advance, I noted that Air Canada offers a variety of alternative meals: seventeen of them, in fact, ranging from bland/ulcer to gluten free to Hindu to Moslem, low sodium, diabetic, and all that. So I ordered the "strict vegetarian" meal, expecting to be provided with a tasty and nourishing breakfast. Let me tell you what I got instead of a meal: a Tradition-brand spiced apple muffin a dozen grapes a slice of honeydew melon a slice of cantaloupe Coffee Mate margarine strawberry jam orange juice a napkin a plastic wrapper containing: salt and pepper a spoon, knife and fork another napkin If this list itself is not enough to inform you that there was something seriously wrong with this meal, perhaps I should go into a bit further detail about each item on the list. A Dozen Grapes, a Slice of Honeydew Melon, and a Slice of Cantaloupe: This is not enough food to fill an appendix, let alone a stomach. But who knows? Maybe you thought I like to eat just fruit and don't need vitamins or protein to live. A Tradition-brand Spiced Apple Muffin: The perfect thing to round out a meal, since you will notice that everything from this point on will be classified as non-food items. I thought that maybe the "Strict Vegetarian" meal didn't include anything with eggs or milk in it. After all, that would explain why eggs weren't served. But nope! This muffin had both eggs and milk in it, making it not-so-strictly vegetarian. It was dry too. Strawberry Jam: Was I supposed to put this on the apple muffin or on the cantaloupe slice? Margarine: I guess the muffin would have been less dry if I'd have put this on it. Orange Juice: The flight attendants give this out to everyone on the flight anyway, so this was obviously just thrown in there to take up space. Coffee Mate: I'm still trying to figure this one out. Was I supposed to put it in the orange juice, or drink it by itself? A Napkin: This helped to wipe off the cantaloupe juice that I had accidentally drenched my hands and face with. The Plastic Wrapper: Can't ever get enough of these. They help fill the box to make it look like there's more stuff in it. Salt and Pepper: I tried putting the salt and pepper on the muffin, on the grapes, and in my orange juice, but nothing seemed to work. Can you please explain why this was in there? A Spoon, Knife, and Fork: I can actually imagine uses for the knife (spreading jam on the muffin) and the fork (using it to eat the grapes with), but the spoon is a stumper. For the orange juice maybe? Another Napkin: The second napkin is the ultimate mystery. I found a use for the first napkin, as I admitted, but by the time I got to the second, I had nothing to spill so I had to ask the person sitting to my left if they could please spill something for me to wipe up. She was glad to oblige, but also very confused. Overall, the meal succeeded at being neither vegan nor nourishing, but on top of that a bunch of pointless stuff was thrown in along in with it in an attempt to trick me into thinking that this motley array of items somehow qualified as a meal. While my girlfriend and I waited in the Toronto airport to catch our connecting flight to Fredericton, we had to buy some Bits 'n Bites (Meli Melo) and some greasy fries from Harvey's (fries are my least favourite food in the world, by the way). We ate this crap up all because we were still hungry after this flight on which we were promised to receive a meal. As far as I am concerned, what you gave us was a violation of our agreement, and providing us with such a meal was unethical, unscrupulous, and insulting. If there was any other way to fly from Fredericton to Saskatoon aside from Air Canada, I would definitely take it in the future, all the while informing the crew and patrons that they should never fly Air Canada. However, as Air Canada monopolizes the flyways, I'll see you again next summer. Here's hoping you improve your service and treat your vegetarian clients with a much respect as your non-vegetarian clients! BMC p.s. As far as I'm concerned, you owe us for that food we had to buy at the Toronto airport. The bill came to about seven dollars. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions. Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better. For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at . Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to , or through ICQ to #29981964. Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern Magazine. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - ___________________________________________________ | THE COMINTERN IS AVAILABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBSES | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://www.neo-comintern.com | | Questions? Comments? Submissions? | | Email BMC at bmc@neo-comintern.com | |___________________________________________________| | The Current Text Scene : http://www.textscene.com | |___________________________________________________| - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - copyright 2003 by #235-04/20/03 the neo-comintern All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.