,,ggddY"""Ybbgg,, subversive literature ,agd888b,_ "Y8, ___`""Ybga, for subverted people! ,gdP""88888888baa,.""8b "888g, / ,dP" ]888888888P' "Y `888Yb, ,dP" ,88888888P" db, "8P"""" Installment 236 of... ,8" ,888888888b, d8" db. dP b. ,8' d88888888888,88 d$$$s. dP `8, - -- -THE NEO-COMINTERN ,8' 8888888888888" dP$$$$$s. dP 8. d' I8888888888P" dP `T$$$$$$dP `.d$$b. .d$$b. .d$$b..s$s 8 `8"88P""Y8P' dP `T$$$$P d$$$P dP' `$ dP' T$ dP' `TP' `T$ 8 Y 8[ _ " dP `T$P d$$$P dP dP dP dP dP dP 8 "Y8d8b dP dP :$ .$ $b. .dP dP dP dP 8 `"".dP dP `T$$P' `T$$P' dP dP dP Y, ,,odnd88b, ,b `8, ,d8888888baaa ,8' ELECTRONIC MAGAZINE- -- - `8, 888888888888' ,8' `8a "8888888888I a8' Writers: `Yba `Y8888888P' adP' Ahmed Balfouni "Yba `888888P' adY" Melatonin `"Yba, d8888P" ,adP"' BMC `"Y8baa, ,d888P,ad8P"' - - - - -``""YYba8888P""''===================------- -- - - - - APRIL 28, 2003 INSTALLMENT 236 BMC, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT: A Critique of Nature - BMC A Guy Thing Interview - Ahmed Balfouni Page 1 - Brib's Mom Responds - Melatonin - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - EDITOR'S NOTE - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Well, here is another big issue! Things seem a bit weird today since Heckat and I just returned from Boston, home of the biggest cup of tea in history. We went to Boston Common and pretended to hang out with Jeri Ryan. Then we went to the Cheers bar and had some nachos. We did this because Cog said he would kill us if we didn't take pictures of the building for him. It is from little details like these that we can identify Cog as a twisted freak whose concept of reality is based on the premise that life experiences can only be validated by their similarity to television shows. Needless to say, we did pose for pictures in front of the building as per Cog's request. Our reason for going to Boston was to check out a Throwing Muses reunion concert in Cambridge. We went to this place called The Middle East where they have a hall that fits 580, standing room only. Heckat and I were there an hour before the doors opened, so we ended up getting to stand right in front of the stage, just feet away from the band. It was an amazing experience to get to see the songs I have loved for the past seven years being played and sung live. To watch the voice coming out of Kristin Hersh's mouth was vivid and surreal. I had to remind myself at times that the music and the band on the stage were connected. Tanya Donnelly. On the way home I got sick and started seeing double, so Heckat drove the rest of the way. I'm still sick. I'm trying to feel better. But enough of my boring traveling nonsense. Let's continue on into my boring article! And if you make it through that, we have a couple of sequels: Ahmed Balfouni's contribution to our great interview issue (#212), and Melatonin's follow-up to "Page 2" (#235), the famous article by an unknown author that Melatonin regards as "Brib." - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - A Critique of Nature - BMC - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Let's just face it, nature is a piece of crap. It's just something some pretentious prick designed in order to show us what's what. Well nature, you oppress us every day, and now it's time for you to be EXPOSED to the world as the disgusting beast you are. It's generally agreed that there are four elements, unless you count the ones those periodic table hacks came up with back in '73. A second article will follow trashing that kind of elements, but for now I'm sticking with the mystical quartet of Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water. Reading through this list, you will soon realize that the physical essence of the world ain't all it's cranked up to be. Earth Yuck. Dirt. Kids play in this, dig holes, get this junk under their fingernails and on their faces. They make mud pies. There's worms running all through it. We grow our food in it and then make sure to wash everything off really well so that there's no EARTH left on it. Who wants to eat earth? Not me, that's for sure. When I was at the beach one time I tried to dig a hole, but then after a foot or so there was just water. I tried scooping the water out but then it kept magically filling up. That sucked. People bury stuff in the earth like treasure (which is awesome) and dead bodies (which totally suck). All in all, I wouldn't trust this shit as far as I could throw it. It's too gross to even step on - that's why we all wear shoes. Wind Shee-at. The last thing I need when I'm walking down the street in my shoes is to be blown around by an invisible gust. If I could see the wind even a bit, it might be better, but who wants to rely on something they can't even see? Nobody. And if they say they do, they're just lying. And have you ever heard of a wind chill? If it is -40 outside, this motherfucker can make it seem like -60 in a flash. This shiznit can just BLIZZOW make the air like -100. Nobody thinks that shit's funny. What the fuck's wind thinking? NOTHING. So listen wind, step the fuck back, cause me and the crew ain't havin it. Fire Ouch. Like getting burned? Nope? Well then fire isn't for you. Fire fucking sucks. All it does is burn shit and then it turns into ashes, which are just as bad as earth for all the mess they make. Then you have to wash them off. I made a bomb one time with some instructions I found in old internet textfiles. I lit this fuse and then ran and then this bomb went BOOYAA and blew shit up. I was surprised at how loud it was. I thought it was really fun at the time, but when I realized how fire was involved I turned sick and puked my guts out in a dumpster. No more fire for me, I tell you. I don't even like heat anymore. I tell you, I'd be willing to go to absolute zero if it meant I wouldn't have to put up with this shit anymore. Water And finally, the element that nobody has ever liked or ever will like. Who likes it when their babysitter tells them it's time to take a bath? Not me, that's for sure. And if you found yourself saying that you like baths, you're brainwashed, you idiot. Yeah, people like washing stuff off with this, but is it worth it? No. Not even worth drinking, really. I prefer juice, both for drinking and for washing with. I also like sonic showers. You suck. Give up on water and go sonic already. Well that just about says it all. If you still like nature after reading this, you're pretty worthless in my books. Please give up on life. However, if you agree with everything I said, you are awesome. Just keep doing what you're doing and never ever stop. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - A Guy Thing Interview - Ahmed Balfouni - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - AB: So Guy you were happy with the match? GT: It went as well as we expected. AB: What you mean we? GT: Me and the millions of fans who love me. AB: (after a lull) Of course. Who doesn't? GT: (glaring) Snivelards, nincompoops, cowards, that's who. AB: Right. Who else? GT: Ratassed shitsacks, curmudgeons, fruity ones. AB: I had to ask. GT: Beanpoles, wormheads, false friars, mendicant buggers. AB: Guy, what was your secret in the match? GT: I stood my ground and watched 'em crawl. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Page 1 - Brib's Mom Responds - Melatonin - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - (Note: this is a transcription of a letter found pierced by a fencepost outside the New Brunswick Central Reformatory.) -1- Hello Bribs. This is your ma, sorry I didn't respond your letter sooner. Been some time busy with your dad's bowel movements and such. ha ha! he's a stinky one nowadays but we love him all the same. You know how it is; remember the fluke? Buddy and I helped move the orange dresser from your bedroom last week. You had many hiding pornos back there, you silly kid. "Playboy", "Hustler", "Swipe", "Spank". some good ones too. I burned them in a fire. I'm gonna go now. Your father wants his omelettes! Love Ma. Hi bribs.... I'm back again. Ma! Talked to Aunt Janie and Uncle Slick a while just now, they are doing good. They blame your crime on the rap music, especially 2pac they say he is a question mark, maybe's he's been murdered etc. I tell them you're fine now on the Bon Jovi and Christmas Vacation movies. Alex says hi!!! I got off Vicodin last month so freeing. Feel like a horse kicked me in the back! What a sore! I'm ok. Bribs.... I'm gonna sew you a poster of me and dad for your cell. Will you put it up if I do? We can decorate your wall together. Also it can be used as a blanket, a cape, a carpet. So many uses! ha ha. you were always a good kid. why you have to go murder that sweet girl? oh bribs. But I still love you lots!!! don't you ever forgettin it! No matter what you murder today or tomorrow I'm still your mom and always will be? That's an oath. You my angel. 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