,,ggddY"""Ybbgg,, subversive literature ,agd888b,_ "Y8, ___`""Ybga, for subverted people! ,gdP""88888888baa,.""8b "888g, / ,dP" ]888888888P' "Y `888Yb, ,dP" ,88888888P" db, "8P"""" Installment 237 of... ,8" ,888888888b, d8" db. dP b. ,8' d88888888888,88 d$$$s. dP `8, - -- -THE NEO-COMINTERN ,8' 8888888888888" dP$$$$$s. dP 8. d' I8888888888P" dP `T$$$$$$dP `.d$$b. .d$$b. .d$$b..s$s 8 `8"88P""Y8P' dP `T$$$$P d$$$P dP' `$ dP' T$ dP' `TP' `T$ 8 Y 8[ _ " dP `T$P d$$$P dP dP dP dP dP dP 8 "Y8d8b dP dP :$ .$ $b. .dP dP dP dP 8 `"".dP dP `T$$P' `T$$P' dP dP dP Y, ,,odnd88b, ,b `8, ,d8888888baaa ,8' ELECTRONIC MAGAZINE- -- - `8, 888888888888' ,8' `8a "8888888888I a8' Writers: `Yba `Y8888888P' adP' ada "Yba `888888P' adY" Junior Haagis `"Yba, d8888P" ,adP"' BMC `"Y8baa, ,d888P,ad8P"' - - - - -``""YYba8888P""''===================------- -- - - - - MAY 4, 2003 INSTALLMENT 237 BMC, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT: Vampires of the World, UNITE! - BMC Junior Haagis' Belated TV Review Column #2 Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothing Left to Lose - ada - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - EDITOR'S NOTE - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - IT IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY. This issue is a collection of songs for the neighbourhood kids to listen to as they pull their red wagons, ride their bicycles, tricycles, and cardboard boxes with wheels. This is for that tall kid who always carries the newspapers in the bag over his shoulder. This is for the girl with the ice cream who is walking her puppy on the riverfront and especially those kids who are hanging out in the basement drinking pop and playing video games. Neighbourhood kids, this one is for you. Don't go teasing any stray dogs. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Vampires of the World, UNITE! - BMC - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Having just watched Dracula and Nosferatu back to back, I feel compelled to step into the spotlight and tell all you vampires that I accept you, that I believe in your inalienable rights, and that I understand the extent to which your rights have been violated for dozens of centuries. Vampires, I salute you - all the way from the O.V. (Original Vampire) back in the day to little Bobby X, the poor little orphan vampire of modern fame. Just because you good folk drink and sip the blood of human beings, expending their lives in the process, you have been vilified in movies, persecuted in social circles, and had stakes driven through your heart while sunlight was reflected onto you from cross-shaped mirrors made out of garlic. Ok, I'm making the garlic part up. You can't actually make mirrors out of garlic. I'm just trying to prove a point. Humans run around using the V-word all the time, yelling "Vampire, stop scaring me," and "Vampire, give me back my blood," but let's really think about this. Humans kill other animals and feel no remorse for it. Vampires will die if they don't drink the human blood, but humans are omnivorous and kill other animals only for personal satisfaction. And vampires don't revel in the pleasure of barbarism as human beings do; they are simply compelled by a live-or-die instinct that they cannot ignore. Therefore, practice of the vampire is morally superior to that of the human. There are two other bases on which the vampire's practice is superior to that of the human being: law and religion. Let us first consider the legality of the situation. Humans, by law, are allowed to kill any non-human animals so long as they are not in danger of extinction. However, human laws protect human beings from being killed by other human beings. The reason other animals aren't protected under these laws is the laws are created by human beings and forced upon the rest of the animal kingdom. These laws are purely in the interest of humans and allow other animals to be subjugated (domesticated, &c), exploited (put in zoos, &c), abused (forced to perform slave labour, &c), molested (milked, bred, &c), and killed in a wide variety of ways (trapped, hunted, slaughtered, &c). Vampires have mental and physical abilities above human beings, and so are the natural monarchs of the planet, so it should come as no surprise that vampires have recently created their own code of law within which human rights are severely curtailed. The next time a victim complains about having their blood removed, you can inform them of article one of the vampire charter, which reads: "Shut up and die already, human." Now on to religion. Humanists talk a lot of yang about god-given rights, and how humans are superior to the other animals, but what about the vampires? Let me tell you. Vampires are superior. God gave greater abilities and powers to the vampires. So what right does the human being have to argue with God? NONE. And hey, if God didn't want humans to be killed, would he really have made their blood so delicious? Vampires, you should understand your rights and never feel bad about killing humans. Instead of being feared on the silver screen, you should be revered for your superiority. But you may ask why vampires are still feared and why the neighbours are standing outside of your castle with torches and wooden stakes. Good vampire, it is because you commit those same deeds that human beings do, but do it better! You represent the most frighteningly anthropocentric and industrious qualities of humankind, and disrupt human conceptions of how the food chain should work. But seriously, if they could get away with it, they'd be suckin' too. Yeah humans, WHO'S THE REAL VAMPIRES? Naw, I'm just kidding. Anyway, about the protesters, just call the local pest control agency and they should be able to take these vampire hatas out with a few well-placed tranquilizer darts. And let me tell you, if you've ever had human blood with a trace of ketamine - oh baby, that has a nice calming effect (best imbibed while listening to a little Velvet Underground). - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Junior Haagis' Belated TV Review Column #2 - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - *an opinion formed from viewing a repeated television broadcast. The Star Wars Holiday Special Originally aired 11/17/1978 Recently seen on 04/23/2003 Now, the theater of the absurd has given us so much to ponder over the years, from celebrated art films to raving street lunatics spitting up tongue sculpted figurines of Bazooka Joe bubble gum for bus fare. But a drop of that rare cartoon acid has nothing on this Yuletide flavored sideshow. When George Lucas, still high on those Kenner profits, decided to reunite most of the major cast from 'A New Hope' for a Star Wars-themed holiday special, the layman must have thought, "Oh cool! Joseph and Mary on a tie-fighter!" But as you know, the majority of holiday specials have the distinct ability of getting around the whole 'Saviour of Man' aspect of the season. Partly, in order not to offend any remaining theologies, but also mainly to create a program capable of utilizing a performance by Connie Stevens with The Ray Coniff Singers. This is no different. In fact, the word 'Holiday' not 'Christmas' is emphasized in this case. Our story takes place during the extended business days of a Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away... We find ourselves on Chewbacca's home planet amidst his family during the 'Life Day' holiday season. We meet his fetching wife, Molla, his dentally challenged, cantankerous father Itchy, and his Webster-like son Lumpy. Seeing just how disproportionally Lumpy has grown so far in his life, one must assume he has the same affliction as Emmanuel Lewis. Or maybe it's just the midget who plays him who has it. Anyways, Chewbacca is late in returning home in time for the festivities. Seems he and Han Solo are being run-down by a fleet of Imperial stock footage from Episode IV, and they must stall for several minutes with all kinds of sputtering rhetoric and plotline exposition before throwing the hyper-drive switch. Meanwhile, Lumpy is quite upset that Papa has yet to arrive. Suicidally, he teeters on the railing of their 1000ft high treehouse to bide his time. As tension mounts within the household, the Bacca's exhaust the show's 'cameo-gueststar appearance' reserves to stall for time and to search for any clues as to Chewies whereabouts. So come the likes of Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford, Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carol, Jefferson Starship, and even Harvey Corman who, in drag, always looks great in an over-sized set of bosoms. But, I guess he took less creative license than their first choice, Flip Wilson. As the wookie family bark about in their daily lives, one must patiently wait out each scene as each muppet-head growls, yips, and args their way through their interactive 'dialogue'. Usually, a Star Wars production is fairly generous with boldly written Helvetica subtitles explaining word-for-word what each slug-headed alien is conveying to some shiny-armored bounty hunter. But here we are left to wonder what these Sasquatch-beings are screaming out of their snouts, often minutes at a time. Thankfully I'm quite fluent in 'wookie' so I can translate some key moments of the special for you... Molla: Agguhh Rarhhhhhhh! Hurruuunnghhhhhh!! (Quiet everyone! They're coming up the stairs! Not a sound, now!) Lumpy: Rarrghh rrrrughhhhgh uhhguhh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhhhhhhh! (Whatever will become of us Father? Are we to end up like the others?) Itchy: Ugguhhhh rarrrgh gurraahhh! (Hush now... may God watch over and protect us, my child.) Okay granted, most of that I lifted from the 1959 film version of 'The Diary of Anne Frank', but its quite appropriate considering what happens next... Imperial troops raid Chewie's house in search of the wookie and Capt. Solo. Finding no trace of the pair, the caddish lot kick back and watch some badly produced reality-based programming on the viewscreen in the form of 'Life on Tattoine'. Through this, we follow the exploits of Bea(trice) Arthur running her desert cantina. Boy, nothing rings more true with the holiday spirit than an eight eyed alien pissed out of his pod and violently pounding the table for another round. Every so often in the program, we have Art Carney, that wacky neighbor, popping by with pseudo-entertainment hologram discs for Itchy-bacca. In actuality, they're nothing more than Cirque de Soleil clones and interpretive dance acts. I guess one should mention Diahann Carol's disco-tastic ballad as one of the numbers in the show, but I'll leave that mention strictly to this sentence alone. Oh and her hair's quite horrid in it too. Oh and lets not forget 'Jefferson Starship-Airplane-Starship-Airplane- Jefferson' performing the song 'Cigar Shaped Object', which, although the context of the show might suggest otherwise, I don't think has much to do with U.F.O.s. Finally, Han and Chewie arrive and save the day, ridding the household of a freeloading stormtrooper who has no lines except for a foley-produced scream as he falls from the treehouse. 'Life Day' celebrations commence as Carrie Fisher, in her bunfabulous-do and royal robes, croons to hastily written lyrics in a downbeat version of the Star Wars theme, serving as a type of carol to ring in the holiday. Chewbacca then goes cross-eyed and flashes-back to random scenes from the actual film which acts as nothing more than plug material, inspiring kids to go see the movie 10 more times over the Christmas break. The only cool thing about this terrible terrible viewing is a cartoon by Nelvana studios, which follows the exploits of the Star Wars characters and wherein Boba Fett makes his first appearance. Kewwwelllll!! The only other up part I can think of is that you wont find this in any video store on VHS, Laserdisc, or (Oh thank-you Baby Jesus-NO!) specialty DVD with tons of extras. In fact I grabbed a copy off of Kazaa from a bootleg tape transfer that I'm pretty sure was (ha!) Beta. Here's a link to some video captures from the special by our friend out there on the net 'Stomp Tokyo' which is simply entitled: 'Han Solo - Wookie Hugger'. With it, you'll find links to the rest of his video captures and his own review of the program. Oddly enough, it is similar to mine, but written 5 years earlier. Woah! Creepy! Whatever... http://www.stomptokyo.com/sings/swholiday/hugging.html Connie Stevens fans, please refer to this site: http://www.swinginchicks.com/connie_stevens.htm - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothing Left to Lose - ada - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - In a consumer society that values and glorifies the realm of purchasing, collecting and owning material goods, I've determined that I am afraid of shopping. I'm afraid of shiny things, of buttons on machines, of silver box-shaped technological devices, of soft textiles and materials, of delicious foods. And I am even more afraid of money. I'm a full-time third-year student without a student loan, renting a house with two roommates, with a part-time job and a Visa. I am terrified of money. I've been fortunate enough to have parents who help me out. Parents who put money aside for my education, lend me their car often enough for me to pretend it's mine, and buy me the occasional dinner out so I don't feel as though I'm in absolute poverty. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not really poor at all. No matter how broke I am (and ask any of my friends, they will be able to relay how broke I am), I was still able to take my roommate out for sushi on Saturday night, and she in turn was able to buy me desert at Calories restaurant. The one constant truth in my life regarding money is that no matter how broke I am in reality, it is nothing in comparison with how broke I feel. It's not that I can't pay my bills or that I can't afford groceries, or rent, or that I'm on my way to getting evicted. It's more that at the beginning of the month I had to short my roommate fifty dollars on my rent cheque until I got paid the next week. It means that I have to tap into my Visa more then I'd like (and I only got it three months ago). It means that the phone bill might stay tacked to the fridge as an unpaid bill for a while. This incidentally makes it difficult for me to go into the fridge to look for food because I am stared in the face by a bill that just can't get made into the paid section of my filing box. But hey, I have an eighteen hundred dollar computer. I have the internet, and share a TV and VCR with my roommates. I have my own printer (now I'll I need is a scanner) and a stereo. I have furniture, and dishes, pots and pans. Combined with my roommates, we have enough to make this house into a home. But what makes a house a home? I plan to make a career of writing, which means it is essential that I have a computer. Or is it? Why can't I write freehand? Or why can't I be satisfied with the dinosaur computer my roommate bought for fifty bucks off her brother's friend? Because I want these things and I don't want to share. I want to own them. I want them for myself. As I documented my spending over the past week, it was hard to see how it was frivolous in any way. And here I was waiting to catch myself in the thoughtless act of consumerism. Just so I could tell myself, 'ha, this is why you're broke all the time, this is why you can hardly afford your rent, this is where all that money's going'. However, I found that most of what I bought was essential to my living experience. I wasn't purchasing out of a desire to collect material goods, or a need to own and fit into a standard. I was buying things out of necessity. Here is an excerpt from my shopping diary: groceries: Feeling like I need to cut down, I used to love shopping but now I'm just trying to save money. All this good food that I really want, all these good things to eat that I can't afford. I hate being poor. I'd feel okay if I knew it was going to be temporary, but honestly, I don't even know if it is... and the sad truth is, I really don't know what poor is. cover at amigos: For Jason's band, supporting local talent... still wish it was free, but it's important. textbook: I hate how expensive these things are. Smirnoff ice: Tastes good, didn't feel bad about that one. gas: Had to do it. Anita's drink: That felt good too. bagel/cream cheese: Gotta eat. Smirnoff ice: Gotta drink. books/readings packages: Gotta learn. This wasn't all of what I bought, but the rest of the items didn't really stray from the theme. Notice how as the list progress I begin to disassociate myself from the things I am buying and just reason with myself using two word descriptions of why I used my money on this particular item. I think a lot of spending results in denial, because nobody really wants to know where their money is going, whether it is trivial things or necessities. My spending boiled down to three sections, food, books for school, and fun. This made perfect sense since this is exactly how my life operates. I love food, and if there is one thing I can't stand, it's an empty fridge. A fridge that is empty makes me feel poor. Makes me feel like I can't take care of myself, that I'm losing control of my own life, that I can't manage or organize the way I should be able to. Since I spend a lot of my time at home reading for class or working on my computer, it's important to me that I have food in the house. This makes sense, doesn't it? Now, this diary was recorded in the first week or so of school, which meant that naturally I would be buying books. If I could get away without buying textbooks I would gladly never buy them. Unfortunately, if I am to pass any of my classes, it is essential. You'd think I would be happy about this purchase. After all, I am learning; these books are strictly for the purpose of my intellectual advancement and skill development. But when I am working at my seven dollar an hour job all I can think of is that it's taken me twelve hours of work to purchase textbooks and reading packages for one class. And after I've done that much work, I have to read them? You'd think that buying them would be enough. Then there's fun. Well, I have to have my release from the pressures of life somehow, right? And this, of course, requires money. I have in the past taken to inviting friends over on many nights when I just haven't had the money to go out. This is just a way of disguise, a way of deluding myself into believing I'm not spending my hard earned money on trivial things. Here's a flash; when you have people over, they eat your food, they use your toilet paper, and they turn up the heat when you aren't looking. In all those insignificant ways, they are spending your money. Yes, I am obsessed, but at this point, don't you think I have a right to be? So what have I learned in the past week? I may fear and loathe money, but it sure helps me keep my expectations low. I've given up the idea of buying a new pair of jeans, and concentrate on refilling my ink cartridge. I've conditioned myself to forget that my roommate and I were going to buy each other boots for Christmas, but with all the other Christmas presents we bought, we just don't mention it anymore. I'm ignoring the fact that my first Visa was maxed out within two months (note to self, never get a Visa right before Christmas), and that to pay it off might take me into summer. And all I wanted was enough money to travel out east by train this summer. I'm counting on income tax. That and GST cheques. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions. Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better. For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at . Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to , or through ICQ to #29981964. Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern Magazine. - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - ___________________________________________________ | THE COMINTERN IS AVAILABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBSES | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://www.neo-comintern.com | | Questions? Comments? Submissions? | | Email BMC at bmc@neo-comintern.com | |___________________________________________________| | The Current Text Scene : http://www.textscene.com | |___________________________________________________| - - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - - copyright 2003 by #237-05/04/03 the neo-comintern All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.