,,ggddY""""Ybbgg,, ,agd""' `""bg, T H E N E O - C O M I N T E R N ,gdP" "Ybg, ,dP" ""` ,dP" _,,ddP"""Ybb,,_ .s*""*s .s*"*s. ,8" .+$ '""' `"Yb, .P' $ `.d' `b ,8' .+$$$$ssss+. sssss "'d' .sssP d' `b db. ,8' .+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$+. $$$$$ d' ,P' d' s*s $ d' `b d.+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$`*$$$$+.$$$$$$$$$ $ :$ d'.P .Pd' $ _ 8`*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ o`*$$$$$$$$ T. `b. :$ TsP .Pd' $ .+P"*+. 8 `*$$$$$$$$$$$ OOb.`*$$$$$ T. `^**sT. .Pd' . $ .+P' :P 8 `*$$$$ YOOOObooi `b. $ T. .P'd' .P $P' .P' 8 `*$ "OQQQO" `TsggsP `TssP' d' .PT. . .P' Y, i. aP ,P d .P :$b+.d' .P' `8, "Ya aP" ,8' d; .P .d' .P' `8, "Yb,_ _,dP" ,8' `*TP .d' .P' `8a `""YbbgggddP""' a8' d; .P' `Yba adP' `*TP' "Yba adY" `"Yba, ,adP"' `"Y8ba, ,ad8P"' E L E C T R O N I C M A G A Z I N E ``""YYbaaadPP""'' .-. t h e l i t e r a r y m o l o t o v c o c k t a i l .-. / \ .-. .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. _ .-. / \ / \ `-------\-------/-----\-----/---\---/-\---/---\-----/-----\-------/-------' \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / `-' I N S T A L L M E N T N U M B E R 2 6 0 `-' O C T O B E R 2 6 , 2 0 0 3 B M C , E D I T O R - I N - C H I E F C O - E D I T O R , W I L L M I N O R FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT: Megaman 1: The Shit Hits The Fan - Will Minor More Metal Meltdowns - Sturmkommander Faust mit Vlad A Letter from The Blue Bomber - A Friendly Robot Boy Megamania 4 - The Net Prophet The Epic Called Megamn 5 - Heckat Megamania: The Final Chapter - BMC _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ EDITOR'S KNOWTE Yo, what the fuck up! BMCizzay in the house! Now let me just say, in case you didn't figure it out yet, that this is the N-Com's one and only ultra exxtra super ultimate @@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@ @@@@@@@ @@ @ @@@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@ @@@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@ theme issue!!! Dedicated to the Blue Bomber and all playa haters. Just a few words about this issue. Believe it or not, it's been in the works for about two and a half years. Around the time the 4th N-Com print issue was being put together, Will Minor asked if I'd be interested in doing a joint issue with him and his zine, Moral Majority. The result was a zine that featured some of the N-Com's greatest rap articles (the MC Ren Trilogy, Rest in E, etc.) and a bunch of writing on punk music by Will and his pals. It was a lot of fun to work on this project and to distribute the zine both in Saskatoon, SK and Boulder, CO. A bond of friendship was sealed that would last until the end of time. In April 2001, Will wrote an article for one of The N-Com's first ever theme issues. Peep: Anyway, after this, we were talking about what the next theme issue was going to be and for some odd reason we decided it should be about Megaman. Furthermore, there should be 6 articles, one for each game in the NES Megaman series. We then decided we should also make a print zine of it. We would demand that each writer compose 2500 words on Megaman, (about three jam-packed, single-spaced, 10-point font pages with .5 inch margins). That way we could smack a front and back cover on it and have a nice 20-page print zine. What a great idea, huh? Any idea how few people want to write 2500 words on Megaman? I'll tell you. It's fewer than six. Will and I were each supposed to be responsible for coming up with three of the writers. He would cover games 1-3 and I would cover games 4-6. After 3 months, he had provided the first two articles, and I had written the sixth one. With three left to go and nobody to write them, the project died. About 2 months ago, I was looking through my hard drive and found these articles. They should be printed, dammit! It's worth it! So I hunted for 3 more writers. This time I wouldn't force them to write 2500 words. Anything over 500 would suffice. I managed to get A Friendly Robot Boy, The Net Prophet, and Heckat. All three of them have written beautiful- like. BEAUTIFUL-LIKE! So now it has been written, and it is here for you to read. And someday soon, it may be a print zine as well. My friends, The Neo-Comintern presents: MEGAMANIA! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Megaman 1: The Shit Hits The Fan by Will Minor _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " Dramatis Personae (and the professional wrestlers they most resemble): Cut Man- The Bushwhack Brothers Guts Man- The Earthquake Fire Man- The Warrior Ice Man- The Undertaker Elec Man- The Rock (he's electrifying!) Bomb Man- Sting Mega Man- too good to be a wrestler Dr. Light- Ric Flair Dr. Wiley- Capitalist Dog The light played fickle games on the exposed gun-barrel, dancing to and fro with nots a care in the world. Suddenly, a hellish burst of white light exploded from the Mega Blaster, fully fucking powered up. The robotic sentry guard had up until this point been thinking about his girl-robot's smooth chassis, but now thoughts were cut short, as his head was also cut short into a million pieces. Robot oil and wiring splattered against the wall in a furious display of brutality. Mega Man stepped into the light. -Mega Man strikes several defined poses with a different and more daring camera angle for each- Faster than flowing gravy, Mega Man blazed through Elec Man's sky-base, leaving a devastating path of carnage behind him. "The proletariat must be freed from the oppressive workforce instilled by the capitalist botz!" exclaimed Mega Man with red fervor in his eyes. "Capitalism promotes healthy work effort with vast rewards; the Luddite is a life of stagnation only broken by death," replied an anonymous crown- shaped robot that was sliding all over the floor. Mega Man attempted to spit in disgust, but all that came out was the rice cake he had tried to eat the day before. Undeterred, he fired off a blast of white hot electricity at the filthy ruling class capitalist bot but found him only frozen, and not killed by his flailing energy storm. Quickly, like a superior Soviet Olympian, Mega Man jumped high and landed on the frozen bot, crushing its greedy and weak form. -Okay, let's set up some plot. First off, Mega Man is a Luddite. Now I know you all pray that it did, but sweet red plasma does not yet flow through Mega Man's wires. So being the child of the technological halcyon that is earth in the future, how is he too reconcile his very being with his fierce Luddite Utopian beliefs.........? Ah it is a mystery with as many twists and turns as a cephalatrode tree.- The time had come. Mega Man was inside Elec Man's inner Sanctum. The muffled voice of the boss robot was barely audible through his fanciful eastern European ballet mask; furthermore, he spoke with a very severe speech impediment. "Okay Mega Man, your time has come, let us battle!!" He mewed. Mega Man launched the first volley from his Mega Blaster's lvl. 3 setting and upon impact Elec Man exploded, covering everyone present (Mega Man) in cybernetic viscera. Anyway I'm tired of this fiction, let's break free from the literary narrative and get down to business. Mega Man is like some sort of high-ranking deity to many people, but to the proletariat he's just a good buddy, who unlike the others has not abandoned them in the past years. A true friend who will explode your enemies, dress sharply, and crack wise whilst unloading floods of chaotic sub-atomic discord. Mega Man has all of these traits plus more... he has respect for his elders, plus a top hat he will readily tip to any lady botz. Provided they aren't the brainwashed minions in Dr. Wiley's skull-shaped harem. -fade in as story starts up again- Years had past and Dr. Light was growing old, and Mega Man had made no progress at all after defeating Elec Man. Perhaps the capitalist system worked after all, and other ideologies (esp. Druidism) were just half-baked dreams... Mega Man's head was pounding after all the smack he had tried to shoot up, he just wasn't getting high enough off freebasing it; he needed more, but more was not something his fine Japanese wiring could handle. Eventually, Dr. Light walked in the door and gave Mega Man a sad sad look and spake: "Look at you, not even worth the Viking DNA I made you out of!" "Guuurrrrhhggle" As Mega Man said this some blue ooze seeped out his eyeball. It would have flown out the other one too, but he had hawked it earlier in the week to pay for his Laudanum addiction. "Get out of my office you blasted technocrat!" came Mega Man's scream. "Ah but Mega Man do you not know that through your very being flows the origin of your hate?" -the music that teaches you how to feel starts playing- Mega Man's rice cake stuffed mouth fell open in horror as his repressed memories of a robotic childhood flooded back to him. "Holy Max Plank!" Just then Cut Man's blade came slicing through the room and left itself embedded upon Mega Man's bedspread. On it were scrawled some recipes for Beef Goulash soup and a few poorly drawn caricatures of Cut Man with exaggerated muscle mass and fawning lady botz. After having a good laugh about this, and tossing back a few cold ones, Mega Man finished formulating a plan to defeat this evil ill-mannered robot known as Curt Man. After a bloody conquest through Curt Man's palace, where Mega Man had to fight the 24-hour diner aging-waitress bot, the overworked sandwich maker bot, and lastly the mighty database monitoring unit: RJ-899982GH6. Finally, after much bloody conquest, he reached Curt Man's throne room. After exchanging many a pointed barb at each other Mega Man finally prevailed and blasted Curt Man away. Unfortunately, Curt Man was actually Cut Man, and most of what just happened was merely a smack dream Mega Man had experienced while Doctor Light was waiting for him to answer his question. Mega Man did in fact defeat the overworked sandwich maker bot though, and consequently he did not get his sandwich, and he was sad. Anyway, Mega Man did not want to face the reality of his own re-discovered mechanical existence, so he fled outside of his opium den to commit a feverish rampage not equaled since the days of Pope Megatron II. Dr. Light quickly rushed outside to attempt to put a stop to his creation's carnage. Most unexpectedly, he saw a form that was most certainly not Mega Man's emerge from the smoke and wreckage. The lithe menacing form coalesced only several feet away from Dr. Light into Bomb Man... Yes in fact it was he who had caused this horror... not Mega Man, who had passed out just a few feet outside of his apartment. Mega Man struggled to his feet upon hearing Dr. Light's calls and righted his blaster, getting a bead on Bomb Man's body. The irony of this situation was that due to Mega Man's mechanical lack of humanity, he could not get dope sick, and thus he handily schooled Bomb Man who was at that moment lovesick, a condition which definitely affects robots. They say: "A metal heart leaks forever." And well maybe Bomb Man's heart would have, had not Mega Man tried to chow on it, obviously mistaking it for a syrupy pancake. Bomb Man's decapitated head spoke a few words to MM. "Why does your anti-technological reign have to take all of our lives, Mega Man? Why cannot you be happy with life under the Capitalist Botz?" Mega Man smiled a wry smile, pausing to allow the camera to capture it, and then spoke. "My Luddite philosophy has no bearing in violence, that is simply my personal choice. Under the Luddites we will not survive as we do under the Capitalist Botz, but we will, for the first time in all of our lives, actually live! We will not be forced into the locked hours of existence which perpetuate the system which benefits few at the expense of many." -Boom- Went Bomb Man's head as it boomed to pieces through the gun sights of Mega Man's smokin' barrel. Afterwards, Mega Man (played by Clint Eastwood) laughed in his trademark raspy voice and tossed his cigar onto the blast radius of Bomb Man's scrap heap.... -roll credits - Mega Man eventually made his way back to his pad, only to hear an ominous note ring through the air. Mega Man then started screeching incoherently and fired his Mega Blaster at his Air Supply CD collection. "Relax man, it's only the doorbell. And lay off those fucking Belinda Carlisle albums I loaned you," said the good Doctor. Shocked at Doctor Light's feminine side, MM forgot all about the doorbell, but then he remembered. He walked over and tore the door off its hinges only to find a greenish floating robot propped in the air by a propeller on its head. "I'm Jerome." "Huh?" said a confused Mega Man. "Cut Man sent me here. He wants you to help him out with the lady botz." "Why can't he just go pay 25 cents and use the air hose at the Gas Station?" asked Mega Man. "That's it, you have royally offended his royal majesty!" exclaimed Jerome. "What are you talking about, he's a goddamn toothpick with blades on his head and a red jumpsuit. Like some extra in a Devo video!" Mega Man was getting irate; he had not had his morning E canister. And with that the Propeller bot (Jerome) flew off, a huge grin still plastered on his face. A few moments later, Cut Man, who had obviously been waiting around the corner in a sneaky manner showed up. "Hiiiyah!" Cut Man tore off his cutting thingy and tossed it limply at Mega Man, from whence it rebounded off the Mega boot and speared Cut Man in the shin. As he was hopping around and yelping Mega Man shut the door on him. The day's work completed, he fired up some Panama Red and inhaled deeply. Three of the Kings of Metal were now destroyed by Mega Man, as well as the band Manowar, possibly the most annoying of all of Doctor Wiley's creations... -Intermission- Meanwhile, Doctor W. lay brooding on a futon in his skull shaped fortress. This Mega Man was fast becoming a problem to his vague plans of some sort of conquest... for that matter, what continent was he even on? The manual certainly didn't say, and neither did the Capcom 1-800 number, which had been disconnected for around 900 years. Wiley tried not let this bother him however, and he re-devoted his mind boggling to taking out Mega Man.......boggle......boggle...... At last! He had come up with a plan so sinister, not even the Man of Mega Metal could escape it....! It was a cool day in Monsteropolis, and Mega Man was reclining with a notepad, writing some haikus in celebration of himself. I'm better than all Yeah, who beat Bomb man... not you! Give me heroin That's right, Bubble man H2o is no go! Gun blast Gonna rust your ass Mega Man was sort of like the Walt Whitman of the 28th century, or whatever year it was supposed to be. But he improved upon this by somehow knowing about Bubble Man, long before Wiley ever forged him out of sewer pipes and Crisco. He also daringly reinvented the long respected haiku form by being too stupid to use the right amount of syllables. Mega Man was very pleased and continued... Like Ron James Dio All the botz love a man in A silk wizard gown Little did Mega Man know, but only seconds ago Fire Man had exploded through the ceiling and had been instantly killed by the frosty demeanor Mega Man exuded while writing his avant-garde robo-poetry. The days still rolled by and Mega Man was preparing for his final battle against the forces of Monsteropolis. Ice Man had recently taken to Neo-Mormonism, and now planted trees used to lynch those who didn't have oversized and bulging craniums. So all that was left was that fat fuck Guts Man. Mega Man approached the sunny construction site warily; he spotted several discarded hard hats, but paid them no mind... he quickly became lost in reminiscence, thinking of his olden days as a construction worker. Soon he was as full of carefree frippery as he had been in his robotic adolescence; undaunted by the scuttling, beady eyed girders, he began to sing to himself whimsically. "Ah this won don aprile morn shine, un mir damsella won do! Ha hahaa ha!" After hearing this, Geoffrey Chaucer suddenly leapt out of his grave and began stumbling gaeliey forward to Mega Manne. This coincidentally was the final step in Docta "the Wiley mutha-fucka's" plan. It was quite a surprise that this asinine plot actually worked, seeing as how no one knew who Chaucer was in the 45th century, other than Mallory Malloy, who was a nothing but a crazy hermit with two glass eyes and spongy arms. Just before Chaucer had made his way out of the 2 foot deep pool he was buried in, Guts Man came stumbling out of his foreman's trailer with a huge chicken wing suspended on his vas defferans. "I say Boy! Why don't you be a lad and fetch ol' pappy some soothin lotion fuh his aches n' pains in the abdom-nibale regi-yan. Ahhkay?" Guts Man had a deep baritone voice, much like El Presidente Galvatron. No sooner did Guts Man harken us all back to his youthful days as a single string of binary in Louisiana, did thee G-Master Chaucer arrive on the scene; suddenly British femmes of ill repute abounded, assaulting Entrails Man, Megae Manne, and Doctoria Lighte. "Oh...god.......middle English.... too terrible to speak...ayyyye nouuught!" Of course what Mega Man had meant to say was 'oooh nooo!' but the spell of Chaucer was too strong even for his superior Japanese brain. Wiley sat in the shadows laughing (chuckling?) lightly to himself whilst resting a pabst blue ribbon on his rapidly-heaving gut. Chaucer was still stumbling forward, obviously drunk off his literary prowess, and the Black Plague. "Ayyye ye felonias rostaboots! Mete thee arse kick oft mine knightly Brasse Knucles!" Also lurking in the shadows was an English Professor by the name of Steve. He had been carefully gauging this situation and now stepped boldly forward. "Hail! This Chaucer is not speaking actual middle Engli-!" Before he could finish, the G-Master Chaucer lobbed the dead singer of Manowar at him, thusly making the good Professor commit hasty suicide. However, before the plot could get even more splintered, Dr. Wiley decided he also must step into the warm afternoon light and confront his enemies. "Gwhaha! None can take the limey and vaguely pederastic ranting of Chaucer, my greatest creation!" When Chaucer heard this, a small tear came to his left eye, and he exclaimed in a voice thick with emotion, "Father!" Before Wiley could activate his gut in self-defence, Chaucer had locked him into his patented finishing move: "the love holde." Wiley struggled and struggled but his gut soon gave way, and limply he fell to the ground, a mere shadow of his former crafty self. After seeing what he had done... Ala "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck, Chaucer let out a mournful cry and walked off into the sunset, hopefully never to be seen again. "Well that just about wraps this shit up," Declared Mega Man. "Shure," Agreed the Gut Man. Throughout this whole ordeal, Guts Man had been lounging and sipping on Botweiser and smoking Marb Reds. After he had finished his NASCAR magazine he struggled to rise, only to fall and pass out, overpowered once again by his own girth. Doctor Light wandered out of the shadows with red motoroil all over his lips and collar. He winked at Mega Man and decided to give up a monologue. "Well done Mega Man! You are not just my creation anymore, but a living being, capable of saving the earth! I tip my hat to you good sir!" "Thanks Dr. Light! Now I've got some things that need taken care of." And with that Mega Man walked back to the city with his sister, Roll, in one arm, and a bottle of Ten-High in the other. -- Fight, Mega Man! For Everlasting Peace! -- The End? No.... the mutha fuckin' beginning! _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Mega Man, Part Deux: More Metal Meltdowns and Shitty Alliteration By Sturmkommander Faust mit Vlad (heart of the maelstrom) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " After the whore-riffic rampage wreaked by Mega Man in the first chronicle of his adventures in Ludditism (and babysitting), Mega Man had settled down into a life of complacency after defeating the nefarious Dr. Wiley. He had the chance to tear down the capitalist society which had so oppressed him and forced him into a life of Demerol addiction, but with the massive prize money and scantily-armored lady botz bestowed upon him by the grateful citizens of Mega-Land, he had changed his mind about the evils of the money-grubbing capitalist system. But another sinister development was on the rise... The high-tech firm Bio-Dex had recently unveiled the 2XXX model of their latest robot that was in actuality, not a robot at all, but a Cybernetic Organism, or Cyborg for short. This frightening new union of flesh and steel frightened Mega Man, for it threatened to render him and his world saving capabilities as obsolete as heterosexuality. We join our protagonist as he bites deeply into an E-taco, coating his mouth with the vaguely semen-esque "mecha sauce" placed upon there by Western Bio-Mechanical Nutrient Placement Inc. Unfortunately, Mega Man is a lowly robot, and was not constructed with the possibility of eating any sort of metal-corroding Cybernetic-Organism food, Consequently, the dripping fluid short-circuited his jaw, and left it shut, giving him the appearance of a tetanus victim. Which, for all intents and purposes, was what he actually was, having been gored with Quick Man's rusty boomerang not two weeks earlier. Extremely incensed at his newfound disability, Mega Man called up the lady bot that he had a date with that evening, and through gritted steel teeth, mumbled that "we'll get some oil changin' done tomorrow, baby." Confused and aroused by this display of ribald robotic wit, the lady bot issued forth a sensuous .05 nanosecond long stream of encoded text over the transmitter installed in Mega Man's carapace. He then strapped on his gat, which had been unused for some time (actually, since the last time some taxi driver looked at him wrong), and proceeded to the Cyborg Maintenance Branch # 06798. This wasn't so far of a walk, since he lived in the apartments right above it. He may have gotten rich off killing Dr. Wiley, but a benzodiazepene craving and a fondness for the Mega-Land state lottery had drained his bank account. As opposed to the inconvenient hinged doors of the establishment, which require some degree of pushing or pulling in order to open them, Mega Man opted to punch through a plate glass window and enter through the gaping hole which ensued. He walked up to the cashier (who was not a bot, but an unforgivably ugly and pimple-faced teenage cyber-hominid) and threatened to slap a lawsuit on these purveyors of debilitating Mexican delicacies unless immediate action was taken to remedy his condition. Or he tried to, but with his jaw rusted shut, his threats sounded empty. Luckily, his high-powered Mega Blaster assault weapon did all the talking. "Sir," the cyber-youth wheezed, "This isn't the Cyborg Tissue Culture Spa, that's around the corner. We just service retrograded Cyborgs here, not cater to their legal dilemmas over E-food." "Isn't your parent company, 'G.O.D.H.E.A.D. Inc? You know, Girdled Overlords Directing the Holistic Electronic Assimilation of Death?" "Actually it's 'Antiquation of Death'" "I don't give an Elec Man's ass! Answer the question, or I'll transmit your code to Tandy-Land!" "No..! For the love of G.O.D.H.E.A.D. don't! Yes, they own the entire nationwide cyborg maintenance grid, the cyborg tissue culture spa chain, the cyborg emotion databank, and over eight thousand tetrabytes of combinative Cyborg consciousness!" "Excellent," Mega Man said, wallowing in his own robotic masculinity. "Call corporate headquarters immediately!" But before the clerk could access his transmitter, a melange of loud bubble-popping noises echoed throughout the cavernous depot. Mega Man quickly accessed his Nintendo Power database and located vol 3 issue 10. Apparently, according to the colorful pictures, the villain responsible for the villainous villainy was Bubble Man, a poorly dressed and somewhat hypochondriac robot who was known for living in bubbles, as well as fighting with them. Mega Man, still lockjawed and now very pissed off that his frivolous lawsuit/holdup did not pay off, stepped outside with his automatic weapon at the ready. Bubble Man was swallowing a large flask of antibiotics and thinking about concocting another one of his patented Bubble Lead emissaries of death when Mega Man cold-cocked him with the Mega-Blaster, MC Ren style. That is assuming that MC Ren had ever capped anyone. Somewhere in his remote fortress, clearly denoted with large billboards bearing the trademark "Dr. W" logo, Dr. Wiley spat in disgust that his attempt at carnage had failed to bear fruit, or chop that fruit off of the vine. It wasn't so much that Bubble Man had failed to slay Mega Man, it was more that Bubble Man had failed to procure the new Haggar slacks that Dr. Wiley sorely needed. For his old pair of casual pants was getting somewhat small, as his waist grew progressively larger. Haggar had released a new fall line for men of his girth, but Dr. Wiley had yet to get out of his fortress and actually buy a pair. One week later, Mega Man had healed miraculously with a fresh bottle of WD-40 and a new jaw, this time constructed out of stainless steel which would not rust on contact with food for superior organisms. He was now able to converse effectually, which helped greatly in his skills with the lady botz. On the downside, these skills were mostly limited to 900 numbers, but that is beside the point. Back to the legendary tale at hand, Mega Man was staring at a saw blade that had embedded itself in his bedpost. This was clearly the work of Metal Man, who was Another Badd Creation of Dr. Wiley's. However, Mega Man just thought that the local cabinetmaker was pissed at him for the last furniture fiasco. Outside of the apartment/restaurant complex, Metal Man realized that his subtle (and potentially lethal) hint was not gotten by Mega Man. However, since I am taking more of a limited third-person, and not an omniscient third-person narrative viewpoint, I will not give any direct quotes or specific thoughts running through his circuit-board head. Instead, we will gain insight on Metal Man as he progresses to the doorbell and buzzes Mega Man's apartment. Mega Man answers, and a conversation ensues which will be transcribed below. "What is up, with you?" "That's so 19XX. Let me in." "Who is it?" "Loan shark." Mega Man had numerous problems with creditors before, and so a loan shark was an entirely conceivable person to have come to his door. He planned just to open the door, allow the nice man access, and then brain him with a heavy oak chair. But herein lied the problem. Mega Man was barred from the 'Cyborg only' store Oak Express, and thus had a painfully mismatched set of furniture due to the fact that he was forced to do his shopping at the 'Robot Only' store, Termite World. His bedpost was oak, to be sure, but his dresser was rather piney, sap and all, and his chair was constructed of plastic made from molten Bionic-Commando merchandise. When Metal Man walked through the door, the chair deflected off of his head and landed in a pile of prescription medication containers. "Avast, 'tis the rogue Metal Man, who be boarding my home!" "What? I wasn't sending you to a boarding home. I'm just going to kill you!" "Arrr, see if your scurvy tricks will work on an old sea dog like me!" Of course, Mega Man was no sea dog at all, since he would become rusty and get sand in his nether programming the instant he stepped onto a beach. But the ill-founded pirate analogy bought him enough time to clock Metal Man with a bag of ice that had usually soothed his own forehead during withdrawal. Metal Man crumpled into a metal pile on the floor, and all Mega Man had to do was toss him in the recycling bin outside. From this point in time onward, there was a large gap in Mega Man's mega memory. It can be assumed that either he defeated the other badd creations of Dr. Wily, or that he just went on a Herculean junk bender and passed out for a healthy span of time. In any case, Mega Man woke up per custom (Latin for crawling with scabies), in a pile of his own putrid filth. He was alone, on an island. And on the table sat a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita, the "As-It-Is" edition. With the special introduction by a very special Swami, which is to not imply that he was mentally retarded. In any case, Mega Man picked it up and flipped to one of the contemporary renderings of Krishna. "This looks like me," the avatar Mega Man soliloquized. And with that, he realized his true calling. Not to kill, but to encourage others' polytheist beliefs, and occasionally fix vegan meals for the homeless. However, unbeknownst to Mega Man's mega deficient peripheral vision, a red and white robot with a handsome golden sash lurked behind the sole palm tree on the island. (dramatic orchestral inflection) I realize that I tried to write a Mega Man story without bringing Krishna into it, but it was too damn hard not to, and at this point I don't really care. The End. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ A Letter from The Blue Bomber by A Friendly Robot Boy _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " Dearest Friends, With Gamma out of the way and Dr. Wily off licking his wounds, it's been nice to have plenty of time to get back to doing what I do best: laying around on the beach and tanning my sun-deprived robot boy body. It isn't easy, running around with a thick helmet on and busting up robots with my gun arm and my trusty robot dog, but I've accepted that I'm pretty much the only robot boy alive that can stop that evil doctor and his fiendish robot creations. But enough about that mess. I'm having a great time here in Cabo. The other night me and Gemini Man went to Sammy Hagar's club and the Red Rocker himself was actually "in the house!" It was great to see Sammy again, and his band is on fire! I've got some photos of me and Sammy together. Hah, the Red Rocker and the "Blue Bomber" side by side. What a hoot! I've been sticking to your advice, Dr. Light, and I've avoided all the water. They say the water's been filtered here at this resort, but Proto drank some and he's been on the toilet for about eight hours now. He even had to cancel his SCUBA session! That's left plenty of time for me to keep my eyes on Gemini Man. He's adjusting to this whole "don't be evil anymore" thing pretty well, and I think he's really meeting a lot of new people. Of course, I still need to keep him out of trouble, because when that boy gets some tequila in him, he just becomes a sex-crazy beast of a bot. Still, his ability to split into two separate dudes has definitely made him a hit with the ladies. I just hope he doesn't get arrested for all the time he's spending with the daughter of the local constable. As for me, I'm just, you know, relaxing. I've had to sign a couple of autographs, but it's mostly quiet down here, and the women are certainly as beautiful as I'd heard. Anyway, I'm going to get back to sitting on this here beach and getting as drunk as I possibly can. See you in two weeks, Mega Man P.S.: Please keep Roll's cat out of my room. I don't want it peeing all over my Atari tapes again. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Megamania 4 by The Net Prophet _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " To: Rock (iammega@lighttech.com) From: Dr. Light (thedoc@lighttech.com) Subject: Your room. Hey Rock! I know you're off saving the world from the evil Dr. Cossack, but if you wouldn't mind being home before six, Roll has to go to dance class and I need someone to watch Rush for a couple of hours. I've installed a new refuse disposal device on his posterior, and he hasn't quite got the knack of it, yet. Good luck against Dr. Cossack. Heck, at least he isn't Dr. WILY, y'know? Dr. Light. P.S. You are my favourite male fighting robot. I have no other fighting robots, ESPECIALLY none that came before you. You are the only one? - - - DrLiteROXORZ~!: CAP! DrLiteROXORZ~!: CAP! DrLiteROXORZ~!: ARE YOU THERE CAP? RyuIsAGeek: BRB DrLiteROXORZ~!: ARGH!!! - - - RyuIsAGeek: im here DrLiteROXORZ~!: CAPTAIN COMMANDO?! RyuIsAGeek: who is this? DrLiteROXORZ~!: It's me, Rock! RyuIsAGeek: OMG MEGAMAN?! DrLiteROXORZ~!: Ya, new handle! RyuIsAGeek: Sorry bout b4, Hoover was crying. DrLiteROXORZ~!: Is OK. What are you doing? RyuIsAGeek: Chillin', illin'. li'l bit o' spillin' DrLiteROXORZ~!: WTF? RyuIsAGeek: nm. U? DrLiteROXORZ~!: Saving the world again. RyuIsAGeek: OMG DR. WILY IS PULLIN HIS SHIT AGAIN WTF?!?!?!?!!11!~ DrLiteROXORZ~!: No, not Dr. Wily RyuIsAGeek: damn i almost won the pool DrLiteROXORZ~!: Pool? RyuIsAGeek: nm GTG. DrLiteROXORZ~!: NO WHAT POOL! - - - Posting on megamancool.diaryland.com Hi everyone, So I'm off saving the world again. I'm at an internet terminal here in Toad Man's place. I just beat him, it was dumb. Honestly, this whole "Saving the world crap" isn't all that great. I know that everyone goes on and on about how "Oh he's such a good robot, and he was originally cleaning houses and now he's all being super fighting robot and stuff because he volunteered and all that," but it's not that much fun. I mean, crap. I wrote a poem about it. Saving the World I'm saving the world, It's not too much fun. I never get to watch "Passions," And my HAND IS A FREAKING GUN. Dr. Light doesn't see my pain, Roll doesn't either. Rush is a freaking DOG so he doesn't see it neither. The blackness that isn't my blue hair - Which turns abruptly into a helmet - is the pain and torment and hurts me And makes me want to give up and sell it. - by "me" Sometimes I wanna cut myself, but dammit, my SKIN IS METAL. Anyway, on to the next stupid stupid robot that I'm facing. They call him Bright Man. I will post more soon. MM - - - DrLiteROXORZ~!: DAMMIT! RyuIsAGeek: ? DrLiteROXORZ~!: Freaking Bright Man! RyuIsAGeek: ?? DrLiteROXORZ~!: He just ripped off Flash Man! RyuIsAGeek: WTF? DrLiteROXORZ~!: SAME SPECIAL WEAPON RyuIsAGeek: lol DrLiteROXORZ~!: That's so not cool. RyuIsAGeek: lmao DrLiteROXORZ~!: Shuddup! RyuIsAGeek: haha loser wants your toys! DrLiteROXORZ~!: SHUDDAP SHUDDAP *** DrLiteROXORZ~! has disconnected - - - *ring, ring* *ring, ring* *ring, ring* *click* Machine: Hi, this is Arthur. I'm busy slaying demons and trying desperately to get to the castle so that I can rescue my beloved. If this is the nudist colony calling again, PLEASE get off my back, I wear underpants, and it only happens when someone hits my armour. Okay? *beeeep* Message: Hey Arthur... *pant pant* it's me, Rock. Look, I'm on my way to defeating some Robot Master named Pharaoh man, and I figure, heck, that's something like an old-sounding name, *pant pant* and you're all about the medieval motif, maybe you can help me? Anyway, *Mega Blaster charging* I'll be on my headset. *Mega Blaster firing* *click* - - - hadooken003: I am not a geek. RyuIsAGeek: ? RyuIsAGeek: Ryu is that u? hadooken003: I am not a geek. hadooken003: Yes. RyuIsAGeek: WHAZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP long time no speak! hadooken003: Why are you calling me a geek? RyuIsAGeek: because you are, lol. hadooken003: No! hadooken003: Have you heard about MegaMan? RyuIsAGeek: YA OMG HE FOUGHT A GUY NAMED RING MAN HOW GAY ROFLMAO!! hadooken003: No, rings scare me. RyuIsAGeek: what? hadooken003: I'm always afraid when I see rings that Samarra is going to jump out of the TV or something. RyuIsAGeek: Ryu u make no sense sometimes hadooken003: Shut up. I train day in, day out. I am the master of martial arts, even Ken fears me. RyuIsAGeek: NO KEN PHEARZ ME! hadooken003: Ken fears june beetles. RyuIsAGeek: Haha. hadooken003: :-) Back to breaking boards with my testicles. RyuIsAGeek: ok bye. - - - DrLiteROXORZ~!: Cap? RyuIsAGeek: capsss noit herrre. DrLiteROXORZ~!: Who is this, then? RyuIsAGeek: genity teh mummmty DrLiteROXORZ~!: Oh, Hi. RyuIsAGeek: a/s/l! DrLiteROXORZ~!: It's me, MegaMan. RyuIsAGeek: ooomfg hey ia cannaot tyuppe wll,m myy warpppingsaare loose. DrLiteROXORZ~!: Oh. I am chatting while fighting a Robot Master. RyuIsAGeek: how DrLiteROXORZ~!: Huh? RyuIsAGeek: are ouy RyuIsAGeek: typiong? DrLiteROXORZ~!: I'm on my Palm. I'm fighting a Robot named Dust Man. RyuIsAGeek: HAHAHAHadkljaeklhahhahahahhhaakjahjah! DrLiteROXORZ~!: What? RyuIsAGeek: DUSSSSSSSFDT MAN! DrLiteROXORZ~!: Yeah? RyuIsAGeek: YOUUI are a hosuse robot sweepa him aup!!!!!!~! DrLiteROXORZ~!: :-( RyuIsAGeek: HALKJASLJASLJKASJKLAJKLAJKLA RyuIsAGeek: okay rock i'm back it's me DrLiteROXORZ~!: Cap? RyuIsAGeek: ya. DrLiteROXORZ~!: What's up with Genity? RyuIsAGeek: DUST MAN ROFLOL! DrLiteROXORZ~! has warned RyuIsAGeek DrLiteROXORZ~!: SCORE I gtg to defeat Skull Man now. RyuIsAGeek: Dust Man HAHAHAHAHAHA. *** Away Message: Saving the world. AGAIN. - - - *ring ring* *ring ring* *ring ring* *click* Voicemail: Hey, this is Rock, aka MegaMan, and to some VERY SPECIAL FEW, the Blue Bomber. I can't take your call right now, as I'm about to face the deadly Robot Master known as "Dive Man." Leave a message, and I'll get back to you when I beat Dr. Cossack and return peace to the world. *beep* Message: Hey Rock, it's Arthur. Can't help you. I fell to the infernal ghouls and ghosts that live in my back yard. I have to start from the beginning again. As for Pharaohs... I dunno. *click* - - - DrLiteROXORZ~!: Hey Cap, save this code for me. *** DrLiteROXORZ~! is trying to send RyuIsAGeek a file "threedotcode.doc" *** RyuIsAGeek has rejected the file transfer DrLiteROXORZ~!: COMMANDO WTF?! RyuIsAGeek: it could have macro virii! DrLiteROXORZ~!: It doesn't! It's the access code to Cossack's castle! *** DrLiteROXORZ~! is trying to send RyuIsAGeek a file "threedotcode.doc" *** RyuIsAGeek has rejected the file transfer RyuIsAGeek: no way man I don't want no michelle or klepto virii or whatevz. DrLiteROXORZ~!: Screw you! RyuIsAGeek: ur at the castle already? DrLiteROXORZ~!: Yeah, I just beat Drill Man. RyuIsAGeek: 1st dive man then drill man? lol. DrLiteROXORZ~!: What? RyuIsAGeek: 1st you had to dive then you drilled hahahah DrLiteROXORZ~!: ... *** RyuIsAGeek has disconnected - - - Posted on megamancool.diaryland.com Hey all, can't talk long. Just wanna say: FREAK FREAK FREAK FREAK FREAK FREAK FREAK FREAK FREAK FREAK FREAK DR. WILY NOOOOOO! WHAT THE HELL IS HIS PROBLEM! He keeps freaking BOTHERING ME. See, I thought this badguy wasn't going to be Dr. Wily. I thought that it was some new guy named Dr. Cossack. I thought that, for a change, there was going to be some variety. Of course, I DID have to fight freaking more freaking freaking Robot freaking Masters, but dammit if it wasn't to get to some new ass to whup. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. DR. WILY WAS FREAKING BEHIND FREAKING IT FREAKING ALL! On a related note, Dr. Wily has a Robot who looks suspiciously like me. But he switched sides. Write more later. - - - From: Dr. Wily (Wild1@eviltech.com) To: Dr. Light (thedoc@lighttech.com) Subject: Protoman Your freaking robot is stupid, it turned on me. Loyaltly circuits, MY ASS. And you wonder why I hate you so. Wily, the BETTER ROBOT MAKER KINDA GUY! - - - hadooken003: Hey guys. RyuIsAGeek: wb ryu ProtectiveArmour: 'sup Ryu? hadooken003: Arthur, do you have Rock's d-land address? ProtectiveArmour: Yeah megamancool.diaryland.com. hadooken003: Thank you. RyuIsAGeek: newayz ProtectiveArmour: DIVE AND THEN DRILL HAHAHAHAHAH! RyuIsAGeek: ya i know. hadooken003: Well I'll be. ProtectiveArmour: What? hadooken003: Captain Commando won the pool. It WAS Dr. Wily. RyuIsAGeek: WOO YES I AM DA MAN YOU ALL OWE ME FIFTY BUCKS! ProtectiveArmour: ... uh... *** ProtectiveArmour has left the chat RyuIsAGeek: WTF? *** hadooken003 has left the chat RyuIsAGeek: NOOO! ARGH! *** DrLiteROXORZ~! has entered the chat DrLiteROXORZ~!: Hey. RyuIsAGeek: ROCK hey did u win? DrLiteROXORZ~!: Of course. DrLiteROXORZ~!: Damn Wily. RyuIsAGeek: WOO I WIN THE POOL! DrLiteROXORZ~!: What pool? DrLiteROXORZ~!: Hello? RyuIsAGeek: sorry lagging RyuIsAGeek: so did you dive and then drill lol!! DrLiteROXORZ~!: WTF does that mean? RyuIsAGeek: Hahahaha. DrLiteROXORZ~!: I won, if that's what you mean. RyuIsAGeek: HAHAHAH I WON THE POOL! DrLiteROXORZ~!: What pool?! DrLiteROXORZ~!: HELLO?!?!? WHAT POOL?! *** RyuIsAGeek has left the chat - - - Note taped to MegaMan's bedroom door - Rock, I know you meant well, but saving the world DOES NOT take priority over your family. I realize that you aren't a houserobot any more, but I didn't remove that programming from your circuits when you VOLUNTEERED to be converted into the FIRST ACTUAL FIGHTING ROBOT OF YOUR STYLE THAT I EVER BUILT, THE FIRST AND ONLY ONE! I expected more. Rush needs to be fed, and cleaned up after, and anything he's done while I've been away is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! That is all, Dr. Light P.S. THE ONLY ROBOT I HAVE EVER BUILT. - - - Posted to: http://www.livejournal.com/users/bluesyshoesy Title: Well, ain't that weird? Mood: Curious Music: Joan Osbourne - (What If God Was) One of Us? So I decided that I had enough of Dr. Wily's stupid stupid rules, and I turned on his mean ass. See, he was using this guy Dr. Cossack and all and like Cossack was all totally hypnotized and crap. And Wily was all up on his daughter Kalinka. That's like so not cool. Anyway, they grounded her for the most SIMPLE SIMPLE stuff like taking cheese slices without asking and stuff and so like I was all NO WAY and freed her from her room. Then I brought her to where Cossack was, and he was all "I'm so sorry, wah wah wah," as if that makes up for bad parenting, right? Still, that guy that he was fighting... strange, he looks a bit like me. I wonder who he is. Proto. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ The Epic Called Megamn 5. by Heckat _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " Spoiler: This is a poem. Spoiler: Protoman's castle is a facade. It's really a lair. You know who's. first Gyro man (look it up on the faq if you need a hint). Don't remember. I think Megaman sold him some milk. Gyro always liked the moms on the "got milk" commercials. he never had a mother of his own. He goes to bed with a bottle of warm milk and cries himself into a lonely dreamless stupor. Metagram pipes in there and wipes up. then Star man. Rock starman. He went on tour with the rockettes but he lost his go-go boots so they kicked him off the circuit with only Philly left to play. City of brotherly nothin. Gravity man has no sense of style. His coat always blows up so you can see his privies. Part way through the battle, Grav makes his fatal mistake: coffee icecream and pecan pie. The gratuitous display is disgusting. Grav's girdle breaks. Mester kicks him in the ribs then laughs him out of the coliseum. Crystal man tried to grow his hair long like Crystal Gail. He grew it past the floor even it dragged behind him like a veil. He pretended to marry Chakra Khan and Dr. Wily gave him away at the alter. The fake Protoman wore an afro under his helmet and specially greased it down for the occasion. One of those Chickens with the chicks performed the ceremony. Mongrel man came in and busted everyone up. He stepped on Crystal's hair and gave him a new look: bald. Then there was this other guy. Stoned man. Too easy? Meags thought so too. After a hot night together, Mem leaves some money on the dresser and scoots out of there before Stone man can wake up. Like to surf? Try the waves of Wave man. One, two. You missed. Too bad. Need more lessons huh? Don't wear those shorts with the lilies on them. Bad luck. Napalm man went down in Nam. Megm wasn't born yet, so it was pretty easy. Back to the coliseum. Bulls are charging megs. He's dodging them but things are getting tight. The red flag is infuriating. Fake Protoman laughs in the bleachers while kissing the princess with one set of lips. M can't even spell his own name. It's too late to turn back now. He's dizzy. The chickens are breeding like crazy off to the left. Somehow we all know Dr. Wily's the real villain, but Protoman looks like such a fuckin asshole up there with that tight piece of ass. Like Mario, all Mem wants is the pussy. Protoman's afro is poking out from beneath his helmet. This gives everything away. The real Protoman can't grow hair. His scalp was badly burned in a rocket-dog accident. Megn sees his opportunity. Next charge man, he waves that suckas ass. Jumps up on coil and removes P's helmet, and with it the snagged rubber Mission-Impossible type mask Dr. Wily slapped on. It was mel gibson. Please. The princess loves only mega and the real Protoman loves him too, from afar. The evil castle blows up and beat cries off stage because Mem can't spell and he's been of no use. All the e canisters are shipped to the nearest rave where Meg parties with a pack of underage girls. Princesses are for plumbers and fake Protomans. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Megamania: The Final Chapter by BMC _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " The year was 2XXX, approximately X00 years after Megaman's first adventure in 20XX. During that time he had gone on five great adventures, seen all of life's highs and lows, and yes, even tasted the bittersweet flavours of love time upon time. Unlike machines of today which break down after about ten to twenty years, Megaman was a robot and therefore could live XXX years with careful maintenance. Megaman was never one who was known to be careful (fighting robots, thwarting Dr Wily's evil and secret schemes, maintaining a tedious schedule of preparing Rush for dog show after dog show... did I mention the schedule was tedious?). His circuits and metal parts and whatnot began to exhaust themselves as Megaman entered his final years. Having gone a great deal of time without going on any fantastic adventures, Megaman had begun to fade in fame as well as in power. He was up to three blue E cans a day, and that was barely enough to keep him going anymore. Furthermore, when he went on vacation with his very close and barely intimate plutonic friend and bodyguard Beat, he didn't get recognized in the towns and resorts the way he once did. Occasionally people would look at him and say "Hey, isn't it strange to see a robot sailing the Pacific Ocean?" You see, robots still weren't integrated into society, so it seemed strange to them. Sometimes people would come up to him and say, "Hey... aren't you Astroboy?" To this, Megaman would become angry, and he could only hide from his bitterness and self-hatred in the arms of his little friend Beat. After Megaman defeated Dr Wily yet a sixth time and won first prize in the robot tournament, he regained the social status he once had and everyone knew the name - Megaman. He had towns and streets and sandwiches named after him, and he realized what things in life were the most important to him. You might imagine that at this point Megaman died peacefully with the knowledge that he had accomplished everything that he had ever hoped to do, but in truth his adventure had only begun. The End. TO BE HOPEFULLY NEVER CONTINUED I have been notified of two things by my editor: 1) I did not describe how Megaman got involved in the robot tournament, the challenges he faced in the arena, the threat of Mr. X, the exposure of Dr Wily, the predictable and annoying groveling of the same Dr Wily, or any other such information that has anything to do with the actual story of Megaman and friends. 2) I'm approximately 2000 words short of my word requirement for this story. 3) Oh wait, there were just supposed to be two. 4) Ok, stop it. 5) Stop. I'm serious. 6) My apologies, I can't seem to be doing anything about this. You're crazy. I love you. 7) It was Megaman's drive to succeed that made him enter into the robot tournament. Sure, he'd been in robot tournaments before, but this one was really important... wasn't it? (Side note: Megaman had integrated his dog, Rush, into his own body, scrapping all the parts that he considered to be useless such as loyalty, personality, and life. Now he could just use the parts of Rush he loved the most (note: I'm treading dangerous waters here, so I will be kind both to the reader and to myself and end this paragraph here)). 8) Everything's always about you, Megaman - you always leave me helpless. Every time I try to make a life for myself you crush me. 9) Why is Megaman Mega bad? Is he not my father? Why did he beat mommy and what gave him the right to never care? 10) I agreed with you for a moment, but that was when I thought you were sane. That was sometime a long time ago. 11) As the robotmen fought to the death in what would be the final robot battle of all time, one began to get the upper hand. It was our friend, Mega. This time he knew he had made a difference, that this battle had turned into something bigger than a quest for fame and social status. Mega had proved something to himself this time. He proved that he could do it,that he wasn't washed up. He realized that what he had hoped for was fame, but what he really wanted was the thrill of battle. He realized that now. Just like the last 5 times. 12) When the government released the Megaman stamp they couldn't decide whether to use the picture of the young Megaman or the old one, so they did both. 13) There is something I learn from the way you teach me, my interest piqued and my senses alert. Words stray briskly and waft into me with a cold power that transmutes, alchemizes. 14) I have just informed myself that this has nothing to do with Megaman anymore, especially the parts about Megamen. 15) A note on E canisters: it is a trade secret that the E stands for... wait, I'd better not. 16) Mr. X had close ties to the Nation of Islam, blaming the white-shelled robots for the majority of problems in society. He hated Megaman but loved Dr Wily. 17) Mr X had seats both in the UN, NASA, CSIS, and tha Rainbow Coalition. Most of these titles were stripped after he was found guilty of attempting to overthrow and destroy the world. In fact, he couldn't get much work at all. He did infomercials for awhile, then appeared as a sidekick on the Late Night with Dr. Wily show. This failed, so he gave it one last ditch attempt by appearing on the Late Late Show with Tom Snyder as one of those guys who laughs off camera every time Tom Snyder tells some stupid and uninteresting story about some local celebrity he met back when he was doing knews on WCHX in Portland, Oregon back in 76. But Mr X hated these jokes, and, after a failed assassination attempt against the Snyde, killed himself in an Amsterdam hotel with a lethal combination of drugs and suicide. Megaman was omnipresent at his funeral, but the always-wily Dr. Wily was not to be seen. 18) Now back back to the nitty gritty 19) 19) "Aunt Sombee is trying to help you" moaned Megaman as Dr Wily caressed his naked nude body. Dr Light could provide him with life and love, but this type of physical companionship was beyond his abilities or desires. 20) Aunt Sombee was the mother of Dr Light. Dr Light was the cousin of Dr Wily. Aunt Sombee lived a lonely, sexy life and continued to have sex and erotic pleasure until she died of sexual pleasure and her soul was implanted in Megaman's body. Aunt Sombee lived to the age of ninety-one and she was always old - at the time of her birth the doctor deemed her to be seventy-four. When attempting to board the love train, the conductor noted that she had no ticket, but she was practically born on the motorcar of sexual pleasure, a vessel she continued to ride until long after her death. 21) Megaman VS Aunt Sombee - You Get Aunt Sombee Old Pleasure (an attack to be used on Dr Wily) 22) Jump straight to 26 23) Jump to 24 24) HaHA I just made you jump by only one. You would have done that anyway. now jump to 27! 25) HaAH I made you skip over this mega secret one (but I bet you will read it anyway) 26) Jump back to 23 27) If you jumped over 25, don't go back and read it because it is a secret! 28) But enough about Aunt Sombee, let's talk about you and me. Megaman, I remember your adventures - the love, the pain, the cuddles and hugs. You always knew what to do for me in that super mega way, whether it was slaying a gang of eight evil robots or simply rubbing my back until I fell asleep. 29) Dr Wily was defeated for a sixth and final time, never again to grace the NES system. SNES, Playstation, and even Sega eventually revived he evil Dr for purposes unknown but presumably evil. As for Megaman, he returned, but things were never the same. Who knew what happened to Rush? Rush continued to rush about for the rest of time, never tiring. 2XXX) It all comes back to this moment. What is it about this particular moment? Why can it all be summarized with this slice of time? Protoman - he's there. Not on the screen - no, not at all - but in the heart of MegaMan. Who could ever forget the robot that could possibly be the closest one could have to a brother? And why did he disappear? And is he currently in the "good" or the "bad" file? It seems like it was just the other day they lived together for a short period of time, sipping a blue E can down on a hot summer day. 1) Back to basics. 2) When Megaman destroyed all of the robots he lost his purpose in life (did I mention this yet?), growing old, rusting out, and eventually decomposing. His systems began to fail once Dr. Light died at the hand of Aunt Sombee. Dr. Light never had the forethought to teach anyone else how to affect repairs to Megaman. What about his sister, Roll? Nope. No way. The only other person who knew how to fix Megaman was Dr. Wily (and perhaps Dr Cossack and maybe Mr X too), but Megaman decided to murder Dr Wily. Very very silly, Megaman. Now you will die. The first thing to go are his arms and legs. He can't move around anymore, he can only see and hear. He remains in this condition for about 100 years, being bashed around, helpless and afraid. Thinking that it can't get any worse, he goes mad when his optical sensors shut down. He begs for death after that. There he sits. I go into the future and look around for him but I can't find him. I want to tell Dr. Light to design a Megaman repair manual, but I can't find him. I try to tell Dr Wily to stay good and not try to take over the world because it won't work, but I can't find him. I went to look for Aunt Sombee... and I found her. I found her, I found her, it was frightening, the lights lowered, she peered at me. The End) We'll always remember Megaman the way he was, the way he always will be. A sprite of our hearts and the love of our collective life. That's all there is too it, right? That's all. That's all. That's. 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