,,ggddY""""Ybbgg,, ,agd""' `""bg, T H E N E O - C O M I N T E R N ,gdP" "Ybg, ,dP" ""` ,dP" _,,ddP"""Ybb,,_ .s*""*s .s*"*s. ,8" .+$ '""' `"Yb, .P' $ `.d' `b ,8' .+$$$$ssss+. sssss "'d' .sssP d' `b db. ,8' .+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$+. $$$$$ d' ,P' d' s*s $ d' `b d.+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$`*$$$$+.$$$$$$$$$ $ :$ d'.P .Pd' $ _ 8`*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ o`*$$$$$$$$ T. `b. :$ TsP .Pd' $ .+P"*+. 8 `*$$$$$$$$$$$ OOb.`*$$$$$ T. `^**sT. .Pd' . $ .+P' :P 8 `*$$$$ YOOOObooi `b. $ T. .P'd' .P $P' .P' 8 `*$ "OQQQO" `TsggsP `TssP' d' .PT. . .P' Y, i. aP ,P d .P :$b+.d' .P' `8, "Ya aP" ,8' d; .P .d' .P' `8, "Yb,_ _,dP" ,8' `*TP .d' .P' `8a `""YbbgggddP""' a8' d; .P' `Yba adP' `*TP' "Yba adY" `"Yba, ,adP"' `"Y8ba, ,ad8P"' E L E C T R O N I C M A G A Z I N E ``""YYbaaadPP""'' .-. t h e l i t e r a r y m o l o t o v c o c k t a i l .-. / \ .-. .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. _ .-. / \ / \ `-------\-------/-----\-----/---\---/-\---/---\-----/-----\-------/-------' \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / `-' I N S T A L L M E N T N U M B E R 2 7 2 `-' M A R C H 7 , 2 0 0 4 B M C , E D I T O R - I N - C H I E F FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT: A Guide to Wine-Tasting - Komrade B When the Roommate's Away... - Jobe Three One-Letter Stories - BMC _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ EDITOR'S KNOWTE Lest we forget... Our 6-year anniversary! I just wanted to mention how you reach a six-year anniversary: Add equal parts writing, revising, cutting, pasting, marketing, and coasting. Add a second portion of coasting, just to be safe. Repeat for 312 weeks. And if you read, you will see why this zine captures your love from year to year. Our promise is to ever-improve, to strive for that thing which does delight your mind. And as you journey through life, and your heart and mind continue to grow, the narrative of this zine shall grow with you, like something made of Spandex. And now, back to The Neo-Comintern's Seventh Year! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ A Guide to Wine-Tasting by Komrade B _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " Eventually you are going to date a girl that has sophisticated tastes, and you are going to meet her rich and polished high-society family. Her father will instantly dislike you because of your brash behaviour and improper upbringing, but don't worry -- we are here to help. With these simple but intelligent comments, you can stun your girl and win her family over when they have you sample various wines during such functions as Christmas and funerals. Not only that, but wine tasting will get you drunk and it's also a good panty remover for smarty-pants girls. I have tried most of these around women who have considered themselves "cultured." My knowledge of wine and the right things to say amazed them, and my witty humour was the life of the party. Things to Say: "Fresh and scintillating like a fresh mountain stream. My mouth screams yes, and my palette agrees." "It's like drinking gin and seven up but it's not. It's wine!" "Full bodied yet delicate. It has integrity and character and enough charm to make me fall in love." "Subtle yet bold. If this bottle could talk I am sure it would agree with me." "Sweet and serene enough to come from heaven, but saucy and devious enough to have made a quick trip through hell on the way here!" "Bravo! I haven't had something this good since my pilgrimage through the southern hills of the wine country in France. You just can't easily get stuff like this here." "Off-Dry with just a taste of honey, and what's that I detect? Fresh picked peaches from a dewy meadow? Wonderful." "I must say the wine does go well with the chicken. Delicious again, Peter." "The abundance of fruit and a soft, supple mouthfeel from this renegade variety makes this wine a perfect partner with a variety of foods." Things not to Say: "Delicious, if by delicious I mean fucking terrible." "Hey is this wine? Because I swear it tastes like piss!" "If I was a cat and I tasted this wine I would be saying Meeeeooow!" "Wine is for bitches. Hey pops, where's the hard stuff? I'll take two bottles and go downstairs and watch sports. Hey honey, come get me when you want to get laid." "The last time I drank this I woke up naked with herpes!" "If all wine was like this, it would be easy to get over my alcoholism." _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ When the Roommate's Away... by Jobe _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " I trust many of you fellow Neo-Comintern readers and contributors are in a similar situation as myself, living in the city and trying to make something of yourself, yet earning a meagre income so you can stick it to the man. If you find yourself in just such a predicament, you probably also have a roommate. Now there is no shame in having a roommate. I find I enjoy the company of another person with whom you can exchange gay banter to wind down from your workday, sweet-talk into cooking you meals and perhaps even score a free joint from time to time. However, like everyone, I cherish the day when my roommate announces she is going away on a 1-week vacation. This scenario opens up a whole range of unharnessed opportunities that typically don't exist while your roommate is around, which I would advise you to take full advantage of when you have the apartment to yourself. There are certain obvious behaviours, which I would hope everyone exhibits to some extent without having to be prodded, such as lounging around your apartment in flagrante delicto-or in your underpants if you are particularly prudish-and stealing food from your roommate's half of the fridge, which you can always justify by noting that it had gone rancid so you had to throw it away. Believe me, if you too have an anal-retentive roommate, she'll thank you for disposing of said items before they began stinking up the apartment. Yet you may be overlooking a wealth of unharnessed opportunities that should prove to be equally gratifying while your roommate is out of town. For instance: 1) Have sex in your roommate's bed. Have you ever noticed that your roommates always seem to own these queen-size mattresses that mould perfectly to the shape of the human body while all you can only afford to sleep on the excess Fiberglas that was left over from the repairs to your attic last winter, which isn't typically conducive to courtship. I beseech you to use your roommate's bed instead. I guarantee your roommate and her boyfriend are having sex in your bed when you're out of town. It's really no different than having sex in your parents' bed when you were a teenager with the added bonus that, if you get caught, your roommate may be inclined to join you. 2) There is no obligation to flush the toilet and keep the toilet seat down-or dry for that matter. Nothing is more jarring in the middle of the night or early in the morning than the frantic rush of water down the bowl and the insufferable hiss that follows. This will allow you to replicate the experience of being in a public restroom without having to leave your home. You tend to get accustomed to the odour rather quickly and, should you happen to cause irreparable damage to your olfactory capabilities, your other senses will be heightened as a result. For the truly carefree, I recommend the liberating practice of urinating in the shower, regardless of whether or not you're actually taking a shower. 3) Substitute your roommate's cat with a quieter, less needy model. This can usually be accomplished quite easily at your local pet store, which tends to carry an assortment of feline varieties to meet your every need. If your roommate is easily fooled, you may attempt a bolder variation of this manoeuvre, which proceeds as follows: Go to your nearest pet shop-you may be required to visit a more exotic shop. Buy an iguana of roughly the same size and shape as your roommate's cat. Then purchase several metres of synthetic fur which is roughly the same hue and texture as the cat. Glue the fur onto your new pet. Train the animal to perform bodily functions in a kitty litter box. With any luck, when your roommate returns, she will unable to distinguish between the new cat and the old. 4) Because your roommate would have to be virtually a dribbling idiot to fall for the previous stunt, and as it may prove quite costly, there is an alternative means of coping with a problem cat. Shortly after feeding the animal, dispose of the old kitty litter currently in the box, then replace with a similar quantity of quick-dry cement that can be found on most construction sites (the ACME brand cement that is advertised on most Looney Tunes cartoons may prove to be most effective). Then simply wait until the cat hears the call of nature, pull up a chair and titter with glee as the cat attempts to free itself from the hardened solution. 5) Finally, if you really want to make a splash, I've always found it a rather whimsical trick to gather up everything in the apartment, except perhaps the cat, and moving all the items to a new space on the other side of town, then setting fire to the apartment while leaving no trace of your future whereabouts. This prank is most effective if you're not averse to cutting off all ties with your roommate from that day forward or if you worry about your roommate partaking in one or several of the behaviours mentioned above. This list constitutes merely a sampling of activities you can enjoy while your roommate is out of the apartment. Just remember, creativity and malice are an ideal combination for such a scenario. Feel free to contact me with other suggestions. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Three One-Letter Stories by BMC _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " Humans of the world, I now present (for your pleasure): # ### / /### / / ### / ## ### / ### ### ## ## ## ### /### /## ## ## ## ###/ #### / / ### ## ## ## ## ###/ / ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ## ######## ## ## ## ## ## ####### ## # / ## ## ## ### / ## ## #### / ######/ ### ### ######/ ### ### ### ##### ##### / ###### / /# / / # # / / / ## ## / / ## ## ## ## /## ######## ######## /## ### /### ## ## / ### ######## ######## / ### ###/ #### / ## ## / ### ## ## / ### ## ###/ ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ######## ## ## ######## ## # ## ####### ## ## ####### ## / ## ## ## ## ## /##/ / #### / ## ## #### / ## / ############/ ######/ ## ## ######/ ### / ######### ##### ## ## ##### ### # ## ####### / ### # / ## # ### ## # ## # ### ## ## ### ######## /### ### /### ### /## /### ### ### ######## / ### / ###/ #### / ### / ### / #### / ### ### ## / ###/ ## ###/ ## / ### ## ###/ ### /## ## ## ## ## ## ## ### #### #/ /## ## ## ## ## ## ######## ### #/ ## ## ## ## ## ## ####### ### # / ## ## ## ## ## ## ### /## / ## ## ## ## ## #### / /### ## / ########/ ## ###### ### ### / ######/ / #### / / ##### ## #### ### ##/ ##### ###/ | \) ### ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ### / ##/ # ### # That's right, people, stories consisting of ONE LETTER! Now take it easy, I know this has never been done before. Sit back, relax, and enjoy these fairly short stories in all of their one-letter glory. NOTE: These stories are best read aloud, as they are not only one-letter stories, but homonym stories as well. A Sailor's Dream .o88b. d8P Y8 8P 8b Y8b d8 `Y88P' Your Cloning Experiment __ __ \ \ / / \ \ /\ / / \ \/ \/ / \ /\ / \/ \/ How to Exist BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB B::::::::::::::::B B::::::BBBBBB:::::B BB:::::B B:::::B B::::B B:::::B B::::B B:::::B B::::BBBBBB:::::B B:::::::::::::BB B::::BBBBBB:::::B B::::B B:::::B B::::B B:::::B B::::B B:::::B BB:::::BBBBBB::::::B B:::::::::::::::::B B::::::::::::::::B BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB Thank you for reading this article. ::::::::::: ::: ::: :::::::::: :::::::::: :::: ::: ::::::::: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+: :+:+: :+: :+: :+: +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ :+:+:+ +:+ +:+ +:+ +#+ +#++:++#++ +#++:++# +#++:++# +#+ +:+ +#+ +#+ +:+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+ +#+#+# +#+ +#+ #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+# #+#+# #+# #+# ### ### ### ########## ########## ### #### ######### .-. .-. / \ .-. .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. _ .-. / \ / \ `-------\-------/-----\-----/---\---/-\---/---\-----/-----\-------/-------' \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / `-' `-' The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions. Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better. For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at . Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to , or through ICQ to #29981964. Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern Magazine. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .--/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\--. `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' ___________________________________________________ | THE COMINTERN IS AVAILABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBSES | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://www.neo-comintern.com | | Questions? Comments? Submissions? | | Email BMC at bmc@neo-comintern.com | |___________________________________________________| | The Current Text Scene : http://www.textscene.com | |___________________________________________________| .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .--/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\--. `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' copyright 2004 by #272-03/07/04 the neo-comintern All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada. By Canadians. And a couple Others.