,,ggddY""""Ybbgg,, ,agd""' `""bg, T H E N E O - C O M I N T E R N ,gdP" "Ybg, ,dP" ""` ,dP" _,,ddP"""Ybb,,_ .s*""*s .s*"*s. ,8" .+$ '""' `"Yb, .P' $ `.d' `b ,8' .+$$$$ssss+. sssss "'d' .sssP d' `b db. ,8' .+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$+. $$$$$ d' ,P' d' s*s $ d' `b d.+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$`*$$$$+.$$$$$$$$$ $ :$ d'.P .Pd' $ _ 8`*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ o`*$$$$$$$$ T. `b. :$ TsP .Pd' $ .+P"*+. 8 `*$$$$$$$$$$$ OOb.`*$$$$$ T. `^**sT. .Pd' . $ .+P' :P 8 `*$$$$ YOOOObooi `b. $ T. .P'd' .P $P' .P' 8 `*$ "OQQQO" `TsggsP `TssP' d' .PT. . .P' Y, i. aP ,P d .P :$b+.d' .P' `8, "Ya aP" ,8' d; .P .d' .P' `8, "Yb,_ _,dP" ,8' `*TP .d' .P' `8a `""YbbgggddP""' a8' d; .P' `Yba adP' `*TP' "Yba adY" `"Yba, ,adP"' `"Y8ba, ,ad8P"' E L E C T R O N I C M A G A Z I N E ``""YYbaaadPP""'' .-. t h e l i t e r a r y m o l o t o v c o c k t a i l .-. / \ .-. .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. _ .-. / \ / \ `-------\-------/-----\-----/---\---/-\---/---\-----/-----\-------/-------' \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / `-' I N S T A L L M E N T N U M B E R 2 7 5 `-' A P R I L 2 8 , 2 0 0 4 B M C , E D I T O R - I N - C H I E F FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT: Merie Tales of the mad men of Gotam - A.B. of Phisike Doctour. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ EDITOR'S KNOWTE We have an ISSN. For some reason, this is our first issue with an ISSN. Now let's talk Merie Tales. (Note: skip this section if you want to go straiight to the fun stuff) Although few people are aware of its existence, "Merie Tales of the mad men of Gotam," a jestbook that was first published in the mid-16th century, continues to be one of the world's funniest English-language texts. This collection of oral tales, "Gathered to gether" by the anonymous A.B. of Phisike Doctour and printed in London circa 1565, is a spectacular example of the wit of the era. "Merie Tales" is a set of twenty-one humorous anecdotes, most of which chronicle the legendary madness of the residents of Gotham, a village in the east midlands of England. Although most of the tales are simple renderings of well-known motifs, there is an earnestness to A.B.'s flow and diction that improves in hilarity even as the English language continues to diverge from the sixteenth-century form. In my experiences reciting aloud from "Merie Tales" at poetry readings, I have found the crowds' responses to be a sort of bewildered enthusiasm; because of the initial novelty of hearing a person speaking in early-modern English, audiences are more open to the puns and hijinx of the tales than they might be with a fully modernized version. While "Merie Tales of the mad men of Gotam" is easily enjoyed both aurally and visually, the tales are not easily encountered. Because of the current inaccessibility of the tales, few people get the chance to read them, especially in the c.1565 version. The tales are currently on the periphery of literary consciousness, and the primary explanation for it is that no major editions of the text have been printed within the past forty years. In the most recent critical edition of the text, a diplomatic transcript of the c.1565 edition published in 1965, editor Stanley J. Kahrl distinguishes twenty-nine different editions printed between the time of the initial publication (c.1565) and the book's inclusion in W. Carew Hazlitt's Shakespeare's Jest-Books (1864). With an average of one major printing every ten years, it is obvious that the book's reputation flourished because of the support of the publishing industry, particularly during the era of the chapbook. The renown was so far spread that when Washington Irving nicknamed New Yorkers "Gothamites" in "Salmagundi," his early nineteenth century journal, people knew what he was talking about. Although the "Merie Tales" were widely known even in Irving's time, by the end of the nineteenth century, the "Merie Tales" had already begun to fade into obscurity. This reader's edition of "Merie Tales of the mad men of Gotam" is a text designed to be read aloud in any sort of social gathering. This edition is based on my textual transcription of the c.1565 edition of the "Merie Tales," and features many silent emendations, the most noticeable being the partial modernization of spelling and punctuation. The reader's edition is designed to ease the flow of oral recital, and so changes any spellings, punctuation marks, or terms which might give the reader brief pause or cause for uncertainty while performing. The reason that there are no glosses or footnotes in this edition is because they would not improve the oral retelling of the tales, and might instead serve as a distraction to the reader. In creating a reader's edition, I have attempted to remain as faithful to the original text as possible, while at the same time modernizing the text to such a degree that it can be read aloud by any literate person. Vowels with tildes have been silently expanded, as have been ampersands and "ye," "yt," and "wt" abbreviations. "Long s" symbols have been replaced with the regular "s." Words broken over two lines have been joined, and if they had been hyphenated in the original text, the hyphen has been removed. Words that use u/v, i/y, and i/j differently than they are used today have been modified in order to make immediate sense to the reader (e.g. ouer/over, ryuer/river, Iudge, Judge), and any words containing inappropriate vowels have been changed in accordance with contemporary standards (e.g. swerde/sworde). In short, all changes in this text have been made in order to make the content more comprehensible. For the most part, the only archaic spellings that have been modernized are those that previously deterred the reader from reading effectively; those original textual qualities that do not interfere with the fluidity of the reading have been preserved. I have tried to keep as many doubled consonants and extra vowels from the original text as possible, such as "uppon," "busshe," and "vengeaunce." These spelling variations have been retained because they enhance the reading; the lengthened words of the c.1565 text inspire the reader to draw out sounds and read with extra emphasis, thus recapturing some of the loud drunken quality that has helped to make the tales so popular in the past. In instances when the c.1565 text uses a single consonant that would be doubled in a modern dictionary, I have often doubled that consonant; for instance, the man who tries to cut his wife's hair "of" now tries to cut it "off," and the Gothamite wooing a fair young maid now does it "at dinner" instead of "at diner." The punctuation within the reader's edition has not been thoroughly standardized, but some standards have been imposed on the text. All instances of speech are separated from the sentence in which they appear by a piece of punctuation, whether a comma, period, colon, or bracket; where the original sentences have had clear punctuation, I have not interfered with that punctuation no matter how eccentric it has been. I have inserted periods at the ends of sentences where the editor of the c.1565 edition has neglected them, but I have not regularized the case of the first letter of each sentence, as I do not think capitalization or lack thereof is a hindrance to the recital of the text. Finally, I have modernized some words that are confusing in their c.1565 form. When possible, I have changed the words minutely, leaving them as close to the original as possible (e.g. "Bustard" and "Bustarde" are rendered "Buzzard" and "Buzzarde"), but at times I have had to make more severe changes (e.g. "keyming" becomes "combing," and "gar" becomes "carve"). It is my hope that readers will use my reader's edition as a text to recite orally, but also that they will feel free to make whatever changes to it that they wish to (including a full modernization of the text, or the addition or subtraction of any minor or major parts of the "Merie Tales"), so long as those changes are in part informed by the c.1565 text. -BMC _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Merie Tales of the mad men of Gotam. Gathered together by A.B. of Phisike Doctour. edition by BMC _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " Here beginneth certain merie tales of the mad men of Gotam. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The first tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THeare was two men of Gotam, and the one was going to the market to Nottingham to buye sheepe and the other did come from the Market, and bothe met together uppon Nottingham bridge. Well met, said the one to the other. Whither be you going? (saide hee that came from Nottingeham, to him that wente to Nottingeham.) Marye, saide he that wente to Nottingham, I goe to the market to buye sheepe. Buye sheepe, saide the other? and whiche waye wilte thou bringe them? Marye (saide the other) I will bringe them over this bridge. By Robin Hoode, said he that came from Nottingham, but thou shalte not. By Mayde Maryon, saide he that wente to the market, but I will. Thou shalte not, saide the other. I will, saide the other. Tarry here, said the one. Shoo theare, saide the other. They beat their staffes againste the grounde, one againste the other, as theare had beene a hundred sheepe betwixt them. Holde in theare, saide the one. Beware of leaping over the bridge of my sheepe, said the other. I care not, said the other, they shall not come this waye by the Mass. By the Mass, saide the other, but they shall. Then saide the other, and if thou make muche to doe, I will put my finger in thy mouthe. A turde thou wilte, saide the other. And as they were at this contention, another man of Gotam did come from the market with a sacke of meale uppon an horse. And seeing and hearing his neighboures at strife for sheepe, and none betwixt them, said, ah fooles, will you never learne wit? Helpe me, saide hee that had the meale, and laye my sacke uppon my shoulder: they did so. And he went to the one side of the bridge, and unloosed the mouth of the sacke, and did shake oute all his meale into the river. now neighbours, saide this man, howe much meale is theare in my sacke nowe? marye theare is none at all, saide they. Now by my faithe, said he, even as muche witte is in youre twoo headdes, to strive for that thing which ye have not. Which was the wisest of all these three persons? judge you. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The ii. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THeare was a man of Gotam did ride to thee market with twoo bussheles of wheate, and because his horse shoulde not beare heavy, hee caried his corne uppon his owne necke, and did ride uppon his horse, because his horse shoulde not carry no heavy burden. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The iii. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ON a time the men of Gotam would have penned in the Cuckoo, that she should sing all the yeare, and in the middest of the towne they did make a hedge (round in compasse,) and they had got a Cuckoo, and put her in it and saide, singe here all the yeare, and thou shalte lacke neither meate nor drincke. The Cuckoo, as soone as shee was set within the hedge, flew her waye. A vengeaunce on her saide they, we made not our hedge high enough. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The iiii. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THere was a man of Gotam, the which went to the market to Nottingham to sell cheese. And as hee was goinge downe the hill to Nottingham bridge, one of his cheeses did fall out of his pack, and did runne downe the hill. Ah horsons, said the felow, can you runne to the market alone? I will sende the one after the other of you. He laide downe his pack, and took the cheeses, and did trundle them downe the hill one after another: and some ran into one busshe, and some into another. And at the laste he saide, I charge you all meete me in the market place. When the fellowe did come into the market place to meet his cheeses, hee did tarry till the market was almoste done. Then he went about, and did inquire of his neighboures and other men, if they did see his cheeses come to the market? Who shoulde bringe them? said one of the market men. Marye themselves, said the fellow, they knew the way well enoughe. He tarried still till it was night. At nighte he said, a vengeaunce on them all. I did feare to see that my cheeses did runne so faste, that they runne beyonde the market: I am sure that they be almoste now at Yorke. He hired a horse to ride after to Yorke to seeke his cheeses wheare they were not. But to this daye, no man coulde tell him of his cheeses. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The v. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THeare was a man of Gotam and he did buy at Nottingeham a Trivet (or a Brand-iron.) And as he was going home, his shoulder did ache: And hee did set downe his Trivet, and seeing that it had three feete saide, ah horsen, haste thou three feete, and I but two? thou shalte beare me home if thou wilte, and did sit downe on the trivet and said, beare me as long as I have borne thee, for if thou do not, thou shalt stand still for mee. The man of Gotam did see that his Trivet woulde not goe further; stand still, said he, in the Mayors name, and folowe mee if thou wilte, I will tell thee the righte waye to my house. When he did come home to his house his wife said, where is my Brand-iron or Trivet? The man saide, he hath three legges, and I have but two legges, and I did teach him the way to my house, let him come home if hee will. Wheare lefte ye the Trivet saide the wife? At Gotam hill, saide the man. The wife did run and fetch home her trivet her owne selfe, or else she had lost it. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The vi tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THeare dwelt a smith in Gotam, the which had a Waspes nest in the straw in the ende of his Forge. Theare did come one of his neighboures to have his horse shooed, and the waspes were so busye that the fellow was stung, with a waspe. He being angrye saide, art thou worthy to keepe a Forge or no, to have men stunge here withe Waspes? O neighboure, saide the smithe, be content. I will put them from their neste bye and bye. He tooke a Coulter and heated it in his Forge glowing hote, and thruste it into the strawe in the ende of his Forge. And so he did set his Forge a fire, and did burne it uppe. Then saide the Smithe, I tolde thee that I woulde fire them forth of their nestes. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The vii. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( WHen that good Fridaye was come, the men of Gotam did caste their heads together what they shuld doe with their white Herring, and their red Herring, and their sprats, and salt fishe: One consulted with the other, and agreed that all such fish should be cast into their pond or poole (the whiche was in the middle of their towne,) that it mighte increase againste the nexte yeare. Everye man that had any fishe lefte did cast it into the poole. the one said, I have thus manye white Herrings the other saide, I have thus many sprats, another saide I have thus many red Herrings, the other said I have thus much salte fishe. Let all go together into the poole or pond, and we shall fare like Lordes next lent. At the beginninge of the next lent followinge, the men did drawe their ponde to have their fishe: and there was nothing but a great Eele. (Ah saide they all) a mischiefe on this Eele, for he hathe eate up all our fishe. What shall we do with him, saide the one to the other? Kill him, said another. Chop him all to pieces, said another. Nay not so said other, let us drowne him: be it so, said all. They wente to another poole or pond by, and did cast in the Eele into the water. Lay theare, saide they, and shift for thy selfe, for no helpe thou shalte have of us. And theare they left the Eele to bee drowned. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The viii. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ON a time the men of Gotam had forgotten to paye their rent to their Lord. The one said to the other, tomorow is our pay day, and what remedy shall we finde to sende our money to oure Lorde? The one saide, this daye I have taken a quicke Hare, and he shall carye it, for he is light of foote. Be it so, saide all, he shall have a letter, and a purse to put in our money and wee will tell him the waye. When the Letters were writ, and the money put into a pursse, they did tie them aboute the Hares necke sayinge, firste thou must go to Lowghburrow, and then to Leiceter, and at newwarke theare is our Lorde, and commende us to him, and theare is his dutye. The hare as soone as hee was out of their handes, he did run a cleane contrary way: Some cried out to him, sayinge, thou must goe to Lowghburrow firste. Some saide, lett the Hare alone, he can tell a nearer way then the best of us all: let him go. another said, it is a subtle Hare let her alone, she will not keep the highway for feare of dogs. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The ix. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ON a tyme theare was one of Gotam mowinge in the meadows, and found a great grashopper: He did caste downe his sithe and did runne home to his neighbours and saide that there was a Devill in the fielde that hopped in the grasse. Then there was everye man readye withe clubbes and staffs, withe Halberds, and other weapons, to go to kill the Grashopper. When they did come to the place where that the Grashopper shoulde bee, Saide the one to the other, lette everye man crosse himselfe from this devill, for we will not meddle with him. And so they returned home againe and saide, wee were well bleste this daye that we went no further. Ah cowardes, said he that had the sithe in the mead, helpe me to fetch my sithe. No, saide they, it is good to sleape in a whole skinne: better it is to lose thy sithe, then to mar us all. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The x. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ON a certaine time theare weare twelve of Gotam did goe a fisshing, and some did wade in the water, and some stoode a drye lande. And when that they went homewarde, the one saide to the other, wee have ventured wonderfull hard this day in wading. I pray god that none of us (that did come from home) bee drowned. Marye, saide the one to the other, let us see that, for theare did twelve of us come oute. And they tolde themselves, and everry man did tell eleven, and the twelfe man did never tell himselfe. Alas, saide the one to the other: there is one of us drowned. They went backe to the brooke whear that they had beene fishing and sought up and down for him that was drowned, and did make great lamentation. A Courtier did come riding by and did aske what it was they did seeke, and whye they were so sorye. O, said they, this daye we wente to fisshe this brooke and there did come out twelve of us, and one is drowned. Why, said the Courtier, tell how many be of you. And the one tolde eleven and hee did not tell himselfe. Well, said the Courtier, what will you give mee and I will find out twelve men? Sir, saide they, all the money that we have. Give mee the money, saide the courtier. And he began with the firste, and did give him a recumbentibus over the shoulders that he groaned, and said, there is one: so he served all that they groaned on the matter: when he did come to the laste he paide him a good sayinge, here is the twelfe man. Gods blessing on your hart, said all the companye, that you have found out our neighbour. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The xi. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THere was a man of Gotam did ride by the way and did find a cheese in the high way, and he puld out his sword, and bored and pricked with the pointe of his sword to take up the cheese. Theare did come another man by and did alight and tooke up the chese and did ride his way. The man of gotam did ride back to Nottingham to buye a longer sword to take up the cheese, and when he had bought his sword he returned back. And when he did come to the place wheare the cheese did lay he pulled out his sworde and pricked at the grounde sayinge, a murrion take it, if I had had this sworde I had had the cheese myselfe, and now another hath got it. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The .xii tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THere was a man of Gotam and hee did not love his wife: and she havinge faire haire, her husbande said divers times that he would cut it off, and he durste not doe it when she was waking, but when she was asleep. So on a night he tooke up a paire of sheeres and laide them under his beds head, the whiche the wife perceived. And then shee did call to her one of her maides and saide, go to bed to my husband, for hee is minded to cut off my haire tonight, let him cut off thy haire, and I will give thee as good a kirtle as ever thou didst weare. The maide did so, and fainded herselfe asleepe, the whiche the man perceiving cut off the maides haire and did wrap it about the sheeres and laide it under his beaddes head, and fell a sleape. The wife made her maide to arise, and tooke the haire and the sheeres, and went into the hall and burnte the haire. This man had a horse the which hee did love above all thinges (as shee did well know.) The wife went into the stable, and 1cut off the horse taile, and did wrap the sheeres in the horse taile, and laid it under her husbands heade. In the morninge shee did rise early, and did sit by the fire combing her head. At last the man did come to the fire, and seeing his wife combing her head marvelled on it: the maide seeing her master standing in a browne study saide, what a devil aileth the horse in the stable for he bleedeth sore? the good man ran into the stable, and founde that his horse taile was cut off: hee went to his beds head and did finde the sheeres wrapt in his horse taile, and did come to his wife saying, I cry thee mercy, for I had thought that I had cut off thy haire tonight, and I have cut off my horse taile. Yea, said she, selfe do selfe have: manye a man thinketh to do another man a shrewde turne, and turnethe oft times to his owne selfe. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The .xiii. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THere was a man in Gotam that laide a wager withe his wife that shee shoulde not make him a cuckold. No, said she, but I can. Spare not, said he, do what thou canste. On a time she hid all the spiggots and fausets in the house, and shee went into her buttery and set a barrell abroach, and cryed to her husband and saide, I praye you bringe me hither a spiggot and a fasset, or else all the ale will runne out. The good man sought up and downe and coulde finde none. Come hither, saide she then, and holde your finger in the tap hole. She pulled out her finger, and the good man put in his. She then called to her a Taylor the whiche did dwell at the nexte doore, with whom shee made a blinde bargaine. And within a while shee did come to her husbande. (and did bringe a spiggot and a fauset with her saying, pull out your finger out of the tap hole gentle Cuckold, for you have lost your bargain. I beshrew thy hart for thy labour, said the good man. Make no suche bargaines then, saide she, with me. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The xiiii. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THeare was a man of Gotam that had taken a Buzzard, and to the eating of it hee did bid foure or five gentlemens servaunts. The wife had killed an olde broode goose: and she and two of her gossips had eaten upp the Buzzarde. The olde goose was laide to the fire for the gentlemens servants. When that they were come, and the old goose set before them, what is this, said one of the men? The goodman said, a good fat buzzard. A buzzard said they? it is an olde goose, and thou arte a knave to mocke us. And in a great anger they departed out of the house and went home. The fellow was very sorry that the gentlemans servauntes were angry, and did take a bag and did put in the Buzzardes fethers, and thought to go to them and shew them the fethers of the Buzzarde, and so to please them. The wife prayed her husband (ere he wente) to fetche in a blocke for the fire: and in the meane space she did pull out all the Buzzardes fethers, and did put in the goose fethers. The man takinge his pack or bag, went to the gentlemens servauntes and saide, I pray you not be angrye with mee for you shall see here that I had a buzzard, for here be the fethers: and he opened his bag, and did shake out the goose fethers. The gentlemens servants seeing the goose fethers saide, why knave couldest thou not be contented to mocke us at home at thine owne house, but art come to mock us here? the one tooke a waster, and did give him a dozen stripes saying, take this for a reward, and mock us no more. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The xv. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THeare was a younge man of Gotam the which should go a wooing to a faire maid: his mother did warne him sayinge, when thou dost looke upon her, cast a sheepes eye and saye, how do ye sweete pigges knee? The fellowe went to the butchers and bought seven or eight sheepes eyes, and when this lusty wooer did sit at dinner he would looke upon his faire wench and would caste in her face a sheepes eye sayinge, how do you my pretty pigges knee. how do I (said the wench) swines face, why doest thou cast the sheepes eye upon me? O sweete piggs eye, said he, have at thee another. I defie thee swines face, saide the wenche. The fellow beinge abasshed said, what sweete pigge be content, for if thou do live untill the next yeare, thou wilt be a foule sow. Walk knave walk, said she, for if thou dost live til the nexte yeare, thou wilt be a starke knave, a lubber, and a foole. Here a man may see, that for a mans good will, he shall haue evill will and displeasure. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The xvi. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( A Mans wife of Gotam was brought a bed of a man child: the father did bid the gossips, the whiche were children of eight or nine yeares of age. The eldest childes name that should be godfather was named Gilbert. The second child was named Humfry. And the godmothers name was Christabell. The friends of them did admonish them, sayinge, that divers times they must say after the prieste. When all were come to the church doore, the priest said, be you agreed of the name? be you, said Gilbert, agreed of the name? Be you, saide Humfry, agreed of the name? Be you, said Christabell, agreed of the name? the priest said, wherefore bee you come hither? Gilbert saide, wherefore be you come hither? Humfry said, wherefore bee you come hither? Christabell saide, whearfore be you come hither? The priest being amazed coulde not tell what to saye, but whisteled and said whew. Gilbert whisteled and said whew. Humfry whistled and said whew. and so did Christabell. The priest being angry said, go home fooles go home. Go home fooles go home, said gilbert. go home fooles go home, said Humfry. go home fooles go home, said Christabell. The priest then provided new Godfathers and Godmothers. Here a man maye see that children can do nothing without good instructions. And they be not wise that will regard childrens wordes. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The xvii. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THere was a man of Gotam the which should be maried, and when the day of mariage was appointed, and the time came that they shoulde be married together, the priest said, say after me. The man said, say after me. The priest said, say not after me such words but say after me as I will tell thee. The fellow said, say not after me such wordes, but saye after me as I will tell thee. The priest saide, thou dost playe the foole and the knave, to mock with this holy sacrament of matrimony. The fellow said, thou dost play the foole and knave to mock with this holy sacrament of matrimonye. The priest could not tell what to say, but said, what shall I do with this foole? The felow said, what shall I doe with this foole. Farewell, saide the prieste, I will not marrie thee. Farewell, saide the fellow, I will not marrye thee. The prieste departed: how bee it the fellow (by other men) was instructed how to doe: and after that hee was maried. And I heard say such a foolish pranke was played at Kingston of late dayes. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The xviii. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( THeare was a Scottish man the whiche did dwell at gotam, and hee had taken an house a little from London, and of it he would make an Inne, and to his Signe hee woulde have a Bores head. And he wente to London to have a Bores head made. He did come to a Carver (or a Joiner) saying in his mother tonge, I saye spek, kens thou meke me a Bare heade? Yea, said the Carver. Then, said the skotishman, mek me a bare head anenst Yowle, an thowse bus have twenty pence for thy hire. I will doe it, saide the Carver. On S. Andrewes daye before Christmas (the which is named Youle in Scotland, and in England in the north.) the skottish man did come to London for his Bores heade to set at a doore for a signe. I say speke, said the skotish man, haste thou made me a Bare head? Yea, said the Carver. Then thowse a gewd fellow. The Carver went and did bring a mans head of wood that was bare and said, sir here is youre bare head. I say, saide the skotishman, the mickle devill, is this a bare head? Yea, said the carver. I say, said the Skotishman, I will have a bare head, syk an head as doth follow a Sew that hath Gryces. Sir, said the carver, I cannot tell what is a Sew, nor what is a Gryce. whet herson, kenst thou not a sew that will greet and grone, and her gryces will run after her and cry a weke a weke. O, said the Carver, it is a pigge. Yea, said the skotish man, let me have his fathers head made in timber, and mek me a bird and set it on his skalps, and cause her to sing whip whir, whip whir. The carver saide, I cannot cause her to singe whip whir. Whe horson, saide the skotish man, carve her as she woulde singe whip whir. Here a man maye see that everye man doth delight in his owne sences, or doth rejoice in his fantasie. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The xix. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( IN old time when as these aforesaid Jestes was (as men of that cuntrey reporteth) that such fantasticall matters weare done at gotam (the which I can not tell halfe.) The wives weare gathered together in an alehouse And the one saide to the other that they weare all profitable to their husbandes. Whiche waye good gossips, said the Alewife? The firste said, I shall tell you all good gossips: I can neither bake nor brew nor I can doe no worke, whearefore I do make every day holyday, and I go to the alehouse, because at all times I cannot go to the church, and in the alehouse I praye to God to speede well my husband. And I do think my prayer shall do him much more good then my labour if I could worke. Then saide the second, I am profitable to my husband in saving of candles in winter for I do cause my husband and all my house folkes to go to bed by daylighte, and to rise by daylight. The third wife said, and I am profitable to my husbande in spending of bread, for I will eate but little, for the drincking of a gallon or two of good ale, I care for no meate. The fourth wife saide, I am loath to spend meat and drinke at home in my owne house, wherfore I do go to the wine taverne at Nottingham, and do take wine, and such things as god shall send me theare. The fifth wife said, a man shall ever have more companye in another mans house then his owne, (and most commonlye in an Alehouse is the best cheare in a towne.) And for sparing of meate and drinke and other necessaries, I do go to an alehouse. The sixth wife said, my husband hath wooll, and flax and tow: and to spare it, I go to other mens houses to do other mens worke. The seventh wife said, I do spare my husbands wood and cole, and do sit talking all the day by the other mens fires. The eight said, beefe, mutton, and porcke is deare, wherefore I doe spare it, and do take pigge, goose, hen, chicken conye and capon, the which be of lower price. The ninth said, and I do spare my husbands sope and lye, for when hee shoulde be wasshed once in a weeke, I doe wash once in a quarter of a yeer. Then said the alewife, and I doe keepe my husbandes ale (that I do brew,) from sowring. For whereas I was wont to drinke up all, nowe I do leave never a drop. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The .xx. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ON Ashwednesday the priest of gotam would make a collation to his parishoners and said, friendes the time is come that you must use prayer and fasting, and almes dedes, and this weeke cum you to shrifte, and I will tell you more of my mind, for as for prayers, I thinke theare bee not two persons in the parish can say halfe their Pater noster. As for fasting, you fast still: for you have not a good meales meat through the whole yeare. As for almes deedes, what should you do to give any thing, that hath nothing to take to? But when that you doe come to shrift, I will tell you more of my mind. After masse, the good man that did keepe the alehouse, did come to shrift, and above all thinges hee confessed himselfe to bee drunck divers times in the yeere, specially in Lent. The priest said, in Lent thou shouldest moste refraine from drunkenes, and abstaine from drinke. Not so, said the fellow, for it is an old proverbe that fishe must swim. Yea, said the prieste, it must swim in water. I crye God mercy, quoth the fellow, I thought it should have swam in good ale. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) The xxi. tale. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( SO one after another the men of Gotam did come to shrift, and whan they were shriven the priest said, I cannot tell what pennaunce to give you. If I should enjoyne you to prayer, there is none of you that can say your Pater noster, and you be now to old to learne. And to enjoyne you to fast, it were but foolishnes, for you doe not eate a good meales meate in a yeare. Wherefore I do injoyne thee to labour well all the weeke, that thou maist fare well to dinner on the sundayes: and I will come to dinner and see that it be so, and take part. Another man hee did enjoyne to fare well the monday, And another the tuesday, And so one after another, that one or other shoulde fare well once a weeke, that hee might have parte of the meate. And as for almes deedes, the priest said, you be but beggers all, excepte it be one or two, therfore bestowe the almes on youre owne selves. __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( (__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__)(__) FINIS. Imprinted at London in Fleetstret, be- neath the Conduit, at the signe of S. John Evangelist, by Thomas Colwell. __)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__)__) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( .-. .-. / \ .-. .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. _ .-. / \ / \ `-------\-------/-----\-----/---\---/-\---/---\-----/-----\-------/-------' \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / `-' `-' The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions. Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better. For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at . Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to , or through ICQ to #29981964. Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern Magazine. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .--/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\--. `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' ___________________________________________________ | THE COMINTERN IS AVAILABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBSES | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://www.neo-comintern.com | | Questions? Comments? Submissions? | | Email BMC at bmc@neo-comintern.com | |___________________________________________________| | The Current Text Scene : http://www.textscene.com | |___________________________________________________| .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .--/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\--. `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' copyright 2004 by #275-04/28/04 the neo-comintern ISSN 1710-5749 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada. By Canadians. And a couple Others.