,,ggddY""""Ybbgg,, ,agd""' `""bg, T H E N E O - C O M I N T E R N ,gdP" "Ybg, ,dP" ""` ,dP" _,,ddP"""Ybb,,_ .s*""*s .s*"*s. ,8" .+$ '""' `"Yb, .P' $ `.d' `b ,8' .+$$$$ssss+. sssss "'d' .sssP d' `b db. ,8' .+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$+. $$$$$ d' ,P' d' s*s $ d' `b d.+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$`*$$$$+.$$$$$$$$$ $ :$ d'.P .Pd' $ _ 8`*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ o`*$$$$$$$$ T. `b. :$ TsP .Pd' $ .+P"*+. 8 `*$$$$$$$$$$$ OOb.`*$$$$$ T. `^**sT. .Pd' . $ .+P' :P 8 `*$$$$ YOOOObooi `b. $ T. .P'd' .P $P' .P' 8 `*$ "OQQQO" `TsggsP `TssP' d' .PT. . .P' Y, i. aP ,P d .P :$b+.d' .P' `8, "Ya aP" ,8' d; .P .d' .P' `8, "Yb,_ _,dP" ,8' `*TP .d' .P' `8a `""YbbgggddP""' a8' d; .P' `Yba adP' `*TP' "Yba adY" `"Yba, ,adP"' `"Y8ba, ,ad8P"' E L E C T R O N I C M A G A Z I N E ``""YYbaaadPP""'' .-. t h e l i t e r a r y m o l o t o v c o c k t a i l .-. / \ .-. .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. _ .-. / \ / \ `-------\-------/-----\-----/---\---/-\---/---\-----/-----\-------/-------' \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / `-' I N S T A L L M E N T N U M B E R 2 7 7 `-' M A Y 2 3 , 2 0 0 4 B M C , E D I T O R - I N - C H I E F FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT: U.S. PRESIDENT BUSH TO THROW 2004 ELECTION - Jobe Love Your Child Like a Son - Komrade B Merie Tales .vi.-.x. - BMC _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ EDITOR'S KNOWTE Welcome to the newest issue of THE WORLD'S GREATEST ELECTORNIC MAGAZINE OF ALL TIME. Please don't let this issue alarm you, as it does contain controversial comments and attitudes. The first article ("U.S. PRESIDENT BUSH TO THROW 2004 ELECTION") trashes the policies of our Southerly neighbour and also throws some sly ad hominem attacks at Bush. I will not make any additional comments on this article, as I am aware that anyone who speaks ill of Bush tends to be singled out as a targeted and destroyed/given a Palm d'Or. The second article ("Love Your Child Like a Son") is a frightening guide to parenting BY men and FOR men. Komrade B comes up with some clever one- liners, and delves dangerously into the depths of a school of criticism knows as post-feminism (or 4 tha layperson, he iz a seXist muthaFuckAAa!!! FuK uUUU MuThaFukKA!) #3, ("Merie Tales .vi.-.x."), is the latest installment of my Merie Tales series, which was preceded by "16th Century Jests For 21st Century People," in issue 143. These tales are inspired by "Merie Tales of the mad men of Gotam," which I recently reprinted in issue 275. So, as you can see, that's pretty controversial too. Bye. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ U.S. PRESIDENT BUSH TO THROW 2004 ELECTION by Jobe _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " U.S. PRESIDENT BUSH TO THROW 2004 ELECTION Sources say bungling incumbent to take a dive in the 4th prime-time presidential address In a shocking turn of events this week, sources close to U.S. President George W. Bush's top advisor-the 8-ball-have confirmed that Bush's trademark erratic behaviour of the past couple years is in fact a clever ruse to throw the U.S. presidential election, which will take place on November 2nd of this year. President Bush has reportedly already agreed to take on a position in the private sector, as CEO of one of the largest U.S. oil companies to which he has awarded multi-million-dollar reconstruction and production contracts in Iraq, widely rumoured to be Vice-President Dick Cheney's former company, Halliburton. Sources say that Bush finally admitted that he has grown tired of his 16-hour work weeks and his almost endless need to be accountable to the rest of the United States population outside the White House, and laments that the daily grind is cutting into his drinking time. Before starting his new post, however, Bush vows to spend several months recuperating at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, for which he has grown homesick in recent years, having only spent 233 days at the ranch since his presidency began, or barely once a week. Of course, Bush is quick to point out, it only amounts to 200 days if you exclude the vacation he took in the summer of 2001 immediately prior to the September 11 attacks on the United States, the longest ever among U.S. presidents. The president has also expressed interest in continuing to implement God's will when he is out of office. One of his goals is to build and oversee a utopian community known as Bushtown, just outside of Crawford, Texas, for fellow blue-blooded intolerant Christian zealots, which would include daily sermons and dramatizations of Christ's conception, life and crucifixion. Bush has been doing everything in his power to restrict civil rights and liberties of U.S. citizens, while alienating Americans from each other and the rest of the world and orchestrating an exorbitant and poorly planned military offensive against Iraq that would engender anarchy and hence maximize casualties among U.S. troops. However, about half of the unwitting American public still say they would vote for Bush in this year's election, so Bush now sees the need to take more drastic measures to weaken his support. In recent months, a crack staff of mental health officials working around the clock have conducted extensive psychological evaluations of Bush in efforts to determine the source of his intolerance and aggression. Early reports have concluded that the president's delusional nature and loutish demeanour can be attributed to feelings of guilt and overcompensation with respect to his decision to desert the U.S. military in the late 1960s to avoid fighting for his country during the Vietnam War. The consensus among political analysts is that Bush intends to take a dive in the as-yet-unscheduled 4th prime-time presidential address to the American public. Sources who have seen early drafts of this speech believe either of two statements are designed to ensure a sharp decline in support among voters and a subsequent loss in the November election: 1) "We finally stuck it to those godless, oil-hoarding A-rabs"; or 2) "I finally have the entire country under my ultimate control", to be followed by an uncomfortably long stretch of maniacal laughter. Among President Bush and his administration's most notorious gaffes during his four years in office include: -Underestimating the urgency of terrorist threats in his first few months of office, resulting in the infamous September 11 attack that killed some 3,000 Americans, despite warnings from long-time counterterrorism experts such as Richard Clarke and Paul Bremer, the current top U.S. administrator in Iraq; -Breaking promises to bring Osama bin Laden-the key figure behind the September 11 attacks-to justice; -Falsifying and exaggerating documents to boost public and political support for the war in Iraq; -Flawed and antagonistic foreign policy that has brought about anywhere from 15,000-20,000 civilian deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq since September 2001, with numbers rising every day; -The loss of roughly 2 million jobs in the U.S. since he came into office, the worst employment record of any president since the Great Depression of the 1930s; -Dropping his dog, Barney, on his head at a public appearance in the summer of 2003, allegedly to silence him in the wake of another debacle where a White House official illegally revealed the identity of a covert CIA operative, the wife of a U.S. ambassador who questioned the White House's misguided claims about nuclear weapons in Iraq. No word on whether Bush has any connection to the death of his other dog, Spot, earlier this year, shortly after UN officials reported that Iraq harbours no weapons of mass destruction; -Capturing Saddam Hussein and replacing his dictatorial regime, which was notorious for its torture and mass killings of Iraqi civilians, repressing citizens that questioned or challenged its authority, suppressing freedom of speech and freedom of the press, and committing and covering up an assortment of human rights abuses with a military-led occupation that has habitually resorted to the torture and mass killings of Iraqi civilians, repressing citizens that questioned or challenged its authority, suppressing freedom of speech and freedom of the press, and committing and covering up an assortment of human rights abuses. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Love Your Child Like a Son by Komrade B _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " Yesterday was Aaron's 1st birthday. His evil reign of terror has cast a dark cloud over me for 12 months, but it doesn't seem long ago that he was unborn and, in the eyes of our government, not alive. During this time I have learnt much about babies; I have learned how to feed them, change them, how to protect my computer, and how to stare into their evil, beady, black eyes and not succumb to madness. As a treat to you, The Neo-Comintern reader, I would like to offer the Komrade B Guide to Fatherhood. I have broken it into three parts: 1). The Newborn - The Useless Months 2). The Crawler - The Mobile Months 3). The Me era - The Next 18 Years... The Newborn - The Useless Months The first couple months of your child's life are best described as useless. Most first time parents are ecstatic at the arrival of their child (less so if the child was an unforeseen ramification of having sex). When the novelty begins to fade you quickly realize quickly realize how useless these children are. They don't acknowledge you, they don't speak, they are unable to feed themselves, the use of their limbs is undeveloped, and they are completely immobile. What can they do? Well, first off they can cry, and God do they ever. They also seem to be able to use their eyes (probably for the purpose of seeing). That's pretty much it. It amazes me that of all the species that co-exist on this world, the most advanced species have the most helpless and dependent offspring. Perhaps there is a reason for that, but I don't really care that much to know it. Now if you have a newborn, you may be tempted to find them boring (due to the fact that they don't do anything). You probably can hardly wait for them to get older so they can crawl around and say cute things like "Dadda," and get into the chemicals under the sink, but this is a huge mistake. Treasure these Useless Months because you will yearn for them when you roar into The Mobile Months. Advantages of Newborns - Guilt family members into giving you money. - Baby can be placed in an open field and you can feel assured inside that they will never return home. - Diapers are not that bad (or so the women say). - Baby can be dressed in garbage bags because they will not pull them off. Disadvantages of Newborns - They are useless. They can't even hold bottles, which is annoying at bedtime. - If your baby is a boy the mom will almost certainly want to circumcise your little man, and you will have long and hard arguments (unless you have been circumcised yourself: then you will not understand the holy cause this war entails). The Crawler - The Mobile Months This part could have also been easily called: The Screamer Months, or The Annoying Months. In this phase your baby will become mobile. You can no longer leave him on the edge of your bed, or on a step at the top of the staircase, or as a footrest while you watch TV. Your baby is on the move destroying everything that he/she can lay hands on. Luckily for you, they can't stand -- so all your valuables can be placed safely out of reach by placing them on tables. Don't leave your favourite firearm or electric devices lying on the floor. Here are some helpful tips for you men. - Babies love blinking lights. Protect your computer at all costs. - Never change diapers. Your significant other will say you have only done it twice in the baby's entire existence whether or not it's true, so I can't stress this enough: DON'T CHANGE BABY!! - It's never too early to start mocking your children. Laugh at them when they hit themselves in the face or pull the entire contents of a table onto themselves. - Babies start teething around this time, and with that comes a lot of crying, so place the baby in a closet (or, failing that, a cool, wet, burlap sack). - When baby cries at night, let the woman deal with it. If you get up, you will be expected to do so again. - Babies like to poop and they can't use the toilet. To avoid changing diapers when you are stuck alone with the baby, remove clean diaper and lay newspaper on the floor of your garage. If it is summer just place baby in the back yard and let nature take its course. If an angry neighbour confronts you about your baby being left alone in the yard, just say that baby is getting some much-needed fresh air. - Babies (particularly mine) are very attracted to cigarette packs and ashtrays. Keep these out of reach because they will make a huge mess. If the baby dumps the ashtray, wait until they eat all the butts to save on clean-up time. With that you should be prepared for the worst of the Mobile Months. You are now ready for the longest and harshest of the three stages: the Me Era. Your baby is only thinking of one thing: Themselves. Despite the fact that you are tired from a restless night, a hard days work, and the fact that your baby wrecked the VCR, they will still have the audacity to cry when you don't feed them. What is worse is that your baby can now stand (perhaps even walk). Your baby will exploit these newly developed skills. Anything that is not bolted to the roof is not safe. They will not play with their toys, and instead prefer to play with things that you value. Here are some tips for this era: - If the baby's walking bothers you, hobble him/her. - Constantly iterate to baby that he/she is selfish and it's about time that they start looking for a job. - If your baby gets hold of one of your valuables, do not react with concern. They can sense this and will destroy the object. - Your baby will look up to you and follow you everywhere. When you find this bothersome, place baby in crib and allow them to cry themselves to sleep. - If your baby is aggressive and likes to hit you (like mine), place them in pit fights against other babies for some extra cash. - All babies will go for your VCR. Switch baby's backside if they touch it. - Remind baby that you should have a used a condom on that drunken night. Don't explain to them what this means -- let them discover the meaning on their own in a few years. - When your baby becomes a teenager, they will grow to hate you and will become self-absorbed and depressed. Nurture this depression and make them feel worse. Hopefully they will commit a heinous crime and go to jail -- that way you don't have worry about them living with you until they are 35. Well that's my knowledge. I hope you soon-to-be fathers have benefited from these lessons. With that, remember you can never love your kid enough. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Merie Tales .vi.-.x. - BMC by BMC _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " .vi. On a tyme theare was foure wryters of Fredryckestown that dyd gather at the tappe roome and it dyd occure to them to finde the moste proliffick amongst them. The fyrste said, but for emayls I hath writ less than an houre all the month. The second saide, I do wryte an .C. words per dium in personal aduertisement in the dailie gleener. Sayde the .iii., I am verry proliffic in deed for I do wryte manye graunt applicacyons per annum, though I receiue no graunt. Quod the .iv. who dyd entere from out of dores: I hath writ my name in the snovv. To all of thys the keepere of the alehovse dyd say, I beseeche you al, can any amonge ye wryte your name on the bill of the credite card. Vpon these wordes all boastyng dyd cease. .vii. Thear vvas a seamstresse of Frederick'stowne did produce satchelles (or handbags). and these satchells dyd be of the hyghest qvalitees and were all so sturdie in constytution. And beecause her wares were so well made, the seamstresse dyd lament her losse of businesse. I do regret that my satchels or handbags bee so well, qvod she, that my customers neede not purchase my goodes on more than one occacion. So the seamstress did endeauour to decreese the qualitie of her goodes, that her customers woulde need to replace them after a short tyme. But shee acted not soone enough, for euery villager of Frederick 'stwne did own one sachel and could use no more. Frome this, a man learneth that 'tis best to increase rather than decreese the qualitie of ones labours and spiritual goodeness. .viii. Ther was of Frederickestowne a manne dyd walke vp the hill of Odell to the nevv markete, & as he dyd so he discouered hymselfe pursued. Alas alas, cryde the man, a blacke longe deuil doth chase! At this the manne dyd run faster only to be followd still. The man dyd say, by the prime minysters bible deuill chase me no longer. To this the shadovv gaue no replie but followed euer synce. .ix. Thear was a vvomman of Frederickston that dyd move wyth her husbande to the Yvckon. As he dyd panne for golde, she wuld dine of the finest foodes at a publicke house. Vpon a times whan the husbande woulde finde lyttle gold, the woman woulde eat yet grater. The husbande dyd say, why vvyfe do ye spende morre monie on foode euen as I earne lesse? To the whiche the vvoman dyd reply, husbande be pleased for what thou does not earne in golde, I do make up for withe all of the joules I do hoarde. And from the vvoman's vvitte & mirthe the husbande dyd gaine a wealthe of anger. x. There was a scholer from Universitas Novi Brunswicki, & he did tutor a fayre younge maide. My deare young pupil, quod he, thou art beautifull and I wish to fertilize thy bodie. To the whiche the maide dyd say, be it so if thys is thy desyre but fyrst tell if ye be maried. Madam, said he, I doe be a bachellor. The two dyd lie to-gether for a short tyme when the scholar's vvyfe dyd espie the yntercourse. The mayde, abasshed, said Whe Horson I thought ye dyd be a bacheler. A bacheler of the artes quod he (as hys wyf dealte hym a severe blowe) but not a bachelore of the bedd. .-. .-. / \ .-. .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. _ .-. / \ / \ `-------\-------/-----\-----/---\---/-\---/---\-----/-----\-------/-------' \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / `-' `-' The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions. Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better. For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at . Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to , or through ICQ to #29981964. Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern Magazine. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .--/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\--. `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' ___________________________________________________ | THE COMINTERN IS AVAILABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBSES | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://www.neo-comintern.com | | Questions? Comments? Submissions? | | Email BMC at bmc@neo-comintern.com | |___________________________________________________| | The Current Text Scene : http://www.textscene.com | |___________________________________________________| .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .--/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\--. `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' copyright 2004 by #277-05/23/04 the neo-comintern ISSN 1710-5749 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada. By Canadians. And a couple Others.