,,ggddY""""Ybbgg,, ,agd""' `""bg, T H E N E O - C O M I N T E R N ,gdP" "Ybg, ,dP" ""` ,dP" _,,ddP"""Ybb,,_ .s*""*s .s*"*s. ,8" .+$ '""' `"Yb, .P' $ `.d' `b ,8' .+$$$$ssss+. sssss "'d' .sssP d' `b db. ,8' .+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$+. $$$$$ d' ,P' d' s*s $ d' `b d.+$$$$$$$$$$$$$$`*$$$$+.$$$$$$$$$ $ :$ d'.P .Pd' $ _ 8`*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ o`*$$$$$$$$ T. `b. :$ TsP .Pd' $ .+P"*+. 8 `*$$$$$$$$$$$ OOb.`*$$$$$ T. `^**sT. .Pd' . $ .+P' :P 8 `*$$$$ YOOOObooi `b. $ T. .P'd' .P $P' .P' 8 `*$ "OQQQO" `TsggsP `TssP' d' .PT. . .P' Y, i. aP ,P d .P :$b+.d' .P' `8, "Ya aP" ,8' d; .P .d' .P' `8, "Yb,_ _,dP" ,8' `*TP .d' .P' `8a `""YbbgggddP""' a8' d; .P' `Yba adP' `*TP' "Yba adY" `"Yba, ,adP"' `"Y8ba, ,ad8P"' E L E C T R O N I C M A G A Z I N E ``""YYbaaadPP""'' .-. t h e l i t e r a r y m o l o t o v c o c k t a i l .-. / \ .-. .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. _ .-. / \ / \ `-------\-------/-----\-----/---\---/-\---/---\-----/-----\-------/-------' \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / `-' I N S T A L L M E N T N U M B E R 2 8 5 `-' N O V E M B E R 1 6 , 2 0 0 4 B M C , E D I T O R - I N - C H I E F FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT: An Open Letter to Disgruntled Americans - Jobe Why You Haven't Heard From Me - Tapmo Actual lines I've written - Skisher _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ EDITOR'S KNOWTE The insidious creature lurks the electronic curents, waiting to infest your mind and fuck you from inside. ASCII is nowhere. ASCII is everywhere. HTML is ASCII in disguise. Knock knock, who's there, HTML, trick or treat. But the child underneath the costume is our friend, ASCII, and once your door is open, ASCII's gonna crawl inside you. ASCII = sex. The proof is in top keywords that have directed readers to textscene.com: 1. clit 5. clit pleasure 8. martensville saskatchewan porno 10. jock balls 11. bukkake asian video 12. husbands who like cock 22. penetrate her anus 23. snowmobile fags 28. personal homepage blowjobs 32. fucking andrea dworkin 44. her lovely fat rolls belly 47. fuckerrs 48. oh yeahfasterharderdeeper 58. las vegas taxi strip club 60. dvda shot 62. hot chick web cams 67. big flabby soft thighs 75. causes for cerebral haemorage 78. funny fucks 83. harder baby gonna cum Everybody likes sex, so therefore everybody likes ASCII. Sex is necessary for human reproduction, therefore ASCII is necessary for human reproduction. ASCII is the missionary opsition of electronic media. ASCII is repressed. ASCII cannot hope to replicate the beauties of the bukkake asian video (11), the DVDA shot (60), or even the snowmobile fags (23). However, ASCII is a primary source for funny fucks (78), and text zines are still the number one cause for cerebral haemorage (75). 29. existentialism is stupid This doesn't have anything to do with anything, but for the fact that I enjoyed it. I hate the fact that that ugly list made it into this issue. LINEAR article #1 is dedicated to linear. There's a city in Canada with the world's longest walking bridge, and I think you should move there. Why do you want to live your life in damned California when Fredericton, New Brunswick's got the longest walking bridge in the world? Come for tea sometime, and stay for dinner. I'm making Korean green and hot and sour soup with bean curd balls. if anyone reading this zine does not know who I am talking to, it's only LINEAR, THE CHAMPION OF ASCII! If you haven't been to Textscene.com yet, you're livin blind. November is World ASCII Month. Make sure to check out the newest Textscene.com interviews and all the triple-dope zines we've been archiving. With love, with real fuckin love, BMC _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ An Open Letter to Disgruntled Americans By Jobe _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " Over these past few years as a Neo-Comintern contributor, I have made my anti-American views blatantly obvious. I think I even convinced myself that I loathed U.S. citizens for their smug arrogance, misguided nationalism and unceremonious contempt for all that exists outside mainstream American culture. But I now know this to be untrue. In fact, I've recently discovered that I need only direct my anger and hostility towards a mere 59 million or so Americans, or roughly 20% of the population, namely those who voted to re-elect George W. Bush as president of the United States last week. In many ways, I've never felt closer to my U.S. neighbours than I do right now-some of them anyway. As a result, I would like to extend an olive branch and cordially invite all you disenchanted Americans to consider relocating to Canada. It makes perfect sense for those of you who don't like the direction in which the U.S. is heading and cannot envision any significant improvement in the country's destiny for at least the next four years. Besides our proximity, liberal mindset, and inherent friendliness, Canada has a lot to offer would-be American expatriates. For instance, Canada is governed by what is referred to as a democracy, which some of you may have read about in your American history books. This feature will be particularly appealing to nostalgic Americans who remember the good old days, before traditional democratic values such as the right to a fair trial, freedom of speech and the right to privacy were usurped during recent years. Our prime minister, Paul Martin, who is the equivalent of your president (in title only), will not declare war on any country in order to pad his resume ahead of the next federal election. Similarly, most Canadians don't view war as an entrepreneurial venture, nor are body counts one of the primary criteria in determining our country's leadership. We have more political parties to choose from in our federal elections, spanning the entire ideological spectrum from left to right, but most of us already know that regardless of how many people run for any given election, there's never truly really anyone good to vote for. On the bright side, though, our election campaigns are mercifully much shorter than they are in the U.S., and in some cases a Canadian campaign takes even less time than it does for the U.S. to declare a winner in its election. As a special offer to any longstanding Republicans looking to enter Canada, most of our urban centers now offer a course entitled Coping with Evolution in 10 Easy Steps to ease your transition to a progressive society. To ensure that you enjoy your stay in our country, we offer you our guarantee that your tires will not be slashed for having Stephen Harper bumper stickers on your car, you shall not be fired for attending anti-war rallies and secret service agents will not arrive at your home en masse if you oppose the views and policies of the Prime Minister. We also give you our word that, unless you are convicted of a crime, the Canadian government will not banish you to a cell or torture chamber on a remote island that isn't governed by national laws, or worse still, banish you to northern Saskatchewan. {Ha-ha. This is just an inside joke-it's actually supposed to be northern Labrador.} Furthermore, Canada is largely well-respected on the international stage, which contributes greatly to the country's overall security. This should be a huge selling point for a fearmongering populace-come to Canada to seek shelter from the next inevitable terrorist attack on U.S. soil. You may even be providential enough to spot these jihadists biding their time in Canada while plotting their strike, in which case you could demonstrate your cooperation by directing them to the best hard targets in the United States. (Note: All Texan migrants will be automatically redirected to southern Alberta.) Canadians, like Americans, love to shop and American expatriates should be familiar with many of our big-name department stores, considering that they are multinational companies with U.S. headquarters for the most part, such as Gap, Wal-Mart, Banana Republic and Old Navy. In anticipation of the mass exodus by Bush-hating Americans, Canadian retailers are now stocking their shelves with XXL clothing and we even have a number of specialty clothing shops that cater to the more ample or robust emigre. Coming to Canada today is a pretty good investment. The economy is strong, the job market is booming and inflation has been virtually non-existent for years. Although Canadian income taxes are still quite high compared with U.S. taxes, rest assured that when you check in to a Canadian hospital, your answer to the question, "Do you have insurance?" will not determine whether or not you receive medical treatment. And most importantly, Canada has no heartland. In fact, most Canadians don't even know what the fuck a heartland is, nor why it breeds such primordial human beasts. Just remember, when you make your way up to Canada, be sure to come up through Ohio and set fire to the Cuyahoga River as a symbolic gesture for the role they played in uprooting you from your homeland. For those of you who haven't been to Ohio for a few years and don't remember where it is, you'll be able to identify it easily by the number of unemployed and homeless people littering the streets. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Why You Haven't Heard From Me by Tapmo _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " doll - I have played dead for such a long time that I have finally become a doll. It was seamless. And that's also why you never see me moving around, just occasionally propped up against various buildings you come out of. sun - My lines of sight are as thick and as yellow as pencils. They feel like rubber and glass at once. You can bunch them together, climb up and pinch my snub nose. bowl - I have cupped my hands for so long that I am now a bowl: completely indifferent to what you put in me, even if you leave me empty. five-pointed star - I was waiting until it was sufficiently proven to you that I am a five-pointed star. A soft, peach-colored star, about a meter tall. That's what I am now. I'm hard to move, but any side could just as easily be the top. _/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"-._/"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_.-"\_ Actual lines I've written by Skisher _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._\"-._ _.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/_.-"/ " " " " " " " """"" " " " " " " " Actual lines I've written in essays while deeply under the influence of sleep deprivation: "Does this disprove my thesis? Nay, says I." "This aspect of 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' can be seen in many others' works: Take, for example, the drunk driving episode of "Saved By the Bell," "Birth is perceived as such a beautiful thing because it releases the woman from the pain of labor." "This means that in order for something to have an intrinsic quality, it must be an important part of it. An example of this would be that John Lennon was an intrinsic part of the Beatles, while Ringo Starr was not." "(Note to professor: I worded that last sentence very carefully to keep it from offending. Do not let my efforts be in vain)" "Rawls's theory appalls and eventually dissolves" "There is no way to make a system which gives people a universal feeling of perpetual self respect, even if we brought back prohibition." "A man who guns down a K-Mart because his wife left him is essentially exercising his humanity in an evil fashion." "The current system just isn't applicable and, like grandma's ashes on the mantle, is only a costly and tacky reminder of what's gone." "Whoever heard of an Austrian giving orders?" .-. .-. / \ .-. .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. _ .-. / \ / \ `-------\-------/-----\-----/---\---/-\---/---\-----/-----\-------/-------' \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / \ / \ / `-' `-' \ / `-' `-' The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions. Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better. For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at . Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to , or through ICQ to #29981964. Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern Magazine. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .--/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\--. `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' ___________________________________________________ | THE COMINTERN IS AVAILABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBSES | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 | | BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 | | CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 | | THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 | |___________________________________________________| | Website at: http://www.neo-comintern.com | | Questions? Comments? Submissions? | | Email BMC at bmc@neo-comintern.com | |___________________________________________________| | The Current Text Scene : http://www.textscene.com | |___________________________________________________| .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .--/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\---/---\--. `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' copyright 2004 by #285-11/16/04 the neo-comintern ISSN 1710-5749 All content is property of The Neo-Comintern. You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada. By Canadians. And a couple Others.